How can you help someone whose faith is in pieces? When a Christian you love questions beliefs you hold dear, is it possible to walk with them through faith deconstruction?
As someone who experienced the collapse of my faith (and its eventual renewal), I’m deeply grateful for believers who want to come alongside and help. The gift of your presence can make Christ’s love tangible.
If you’ve never walked through deconstruction yourself, however, you may struggle to know just how to help. Understanding the terminology is a good place to begin.
Understanding Faith Deconstruction
No two deconstruction stories are the same. From the initial crisis to an eventual landing place and every detail in between, each story is as unique as the individual living it. Adding to the issue’s complexity, there’s no single, agreed-upon definition.
In general, faith deconstruction is the rethinking of one’s foundational beliefs. Beyond this, the range of definitions varies widely.
Some Christians compare it to literary and philosophical deconstruction, a practice developed in the 1960’s. In those fields, modern readers reinterpret older works based on the belief that truth is relative. When applied to Christianity, this type of deconstruction often leads to significant theological shifts, sometimes even leading to deconversion. Alisa Childers and Tim Barnett seem to have this perspective in mind when they define faith deconstruction as “a postmodern process of rethinking your faith without regarding Scripture as a standard.”
On the other end of the spectrum, Grace Ruiter compares faith deconstruction to a necessary renovation project. She describes it this way, “If you think of Christian faith as a home, pursuing tough questions about your faith is a bit like tearing away the carpeting and knocking out the drywall to see the bones that lie beneath. It pulls apart your beliefs to reveal what they’re made of and what holds them together.” This definition aligns with my own deconstruction experience.
When discussing deconstruction with your loved one, it’s wise to start by understanding how they’re using the term.
Common Denominators in Deconstruction
While each deconstruction story is different, there are often some commonalities. Based on my own experience and the stories I’ve witnessed, here are some realities you’ll want to keep in mind.
Deconstruction Is Painful
For many of us, deconstruction comes on the heels of a traumatic experience. My faith imploded when I learned of the betrayal of a trusted spiritual leader. Though I hadn’t seen him in years, his teachings had shaped my spiritual formation. His betrayal wounded me, and his double-life caused me to question nearly everything I believed.
In addition to the pain from the actual crisis, the journey through deconstruction felt intensely lonely. I was ashamed of my questions and doubts, of the depression that took up residence in me during that season. I was afraid to let people into my process lest they see the mess I’d become. It was easier just to quietly withdraw.
Your loved one may be carrying a very deep wound. They’re trying to figure out where to go from here and how to make sense of what they’ve experienced. By offering the gift of your presence, you can provide a haven through the lonely process.
Deconstruction May Be Unavoidable
Like many others who deconstruct, I didn’t flippantly decide to dismantle my faith. Besides abandoning Christianity altogether, I truly had no other option. My faith was broken and starting over was my only hope for its survival.
As I evaluated my belief system with fresh eyes, I recognized a tangled mess of truth and lies — transactional Christianity that left me exhausted, opinions held because a teacher told me so, Scripture misinterpreted and taken out of context. Deconstruction offered the overhaul my faith required.
Your loved one is likely deconstructing because they must. By supporting them through the process, you can extend a lifeline that gives the option of holding onto faith.
Deconstruction Impacts People Differently
When God’s good gifts are instead used to harm, surprising triggers can result.
Because my faith crisis came after a leader’s betrayal of trust, to this day I struggle with trusting those in positions of spiritual authority. In other situations, when God’s Word was used to shame, manipulate, or control, those affected may have great difficulty reading the Bible or hearing it taught. In situations where harm occurred in a church setting, those wounded in this way may find it impossible to go to church right now — even a different church altogether.
Your loved one may experience triggers that surprise you. When you extend love and compassion, you create space for them to heal at their own pace.
Deconstruction Is a Process
Where your loved one is today is not necessarily their final destination. They’re asking questions and seeking answers, but don’t assume where they’ve landed is where they’ll stay.
My faith deconstruction started over a decade ago. Along the way I discovered it’s more of a journey than an arrival point. As Paul David Tripp put it, “We should all be deconstructing our faith. We better do it. Because our faith becomes a culture, a culture so webbed into the purity of truth, it’s hard to separate the two.”
Healthy faith is curious — always growing, always aware of how much we don’t yet know, always on guard against lies masquerading as the truth.
Your loved one is in process (as we all are). When you love them where they’re at, you keep the door open for an ongoing relationship.
4 Ways to Support Your Loved One through Deconstruction
Micah 6:8 describes qualities that are dear to God’s heart. They can also provide reference points for relating to your loved one.
“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”
1. Do Justly
Many a deconstruction story begins with some sort of injustice. Maybe your loved one or someone they care about was harmed. Perhaps they’ve heard one too many stories about yet another church scandal. Whatever the situation, your loved one is likely trying to make sense of it within their worldview.
Affirm their desire for truth and justice. Their heart cry echoes the heart of God. Resist the temptation to rationalize their concerns. Don’t express doubt or downplay their story. This will only add to their pain. Instead, hold gently the concerns they’ve shared with you.
2. Love Kindness
In the Bible’s original Hebrew, the word used in Micah 6:8 for kindnessmeans loyal love. The same word shows up in Proverbs 19:22a, “What a person desires is unfailing love.” This need for consistent, merciful love is especially strong during deconstruction.
Consider how Jesus received the hurting people who came to him. He looked them in the eyes, noticed their struggle, and welcomed them to spend time with him. He didn’t hold them at arm’s length until they figured out the right theology or cleaned up their messes. No, he wept with them and listened to their stories. He loved them right where they were.
This is still God’s heart for people today. Ask him to fill you with his loyal love and to help you see your loved one through his eyes. Allow kindness to characterize your conversations so they feel valued, honored, and loved.
3. Walk Humbly
Part of deconstruction involves asking messy questions, questions rarely voiced within the walls of a church building. While this may make you uncomfortable, verbalize your willingness to listen and your desire to understand your loved one’s perspective. Make room for curiosity and affirm the concerns behind their questions.
While we recognize truth is not relative and historical Christianity rests on some essential basic tenants, we must also acknowledge that gray areas exist. Christians come to different conclusions on secondary and tertiary topics. It’s important to hold your convictions with confidence and humility, acknowledging that believers with different perspectives may have valid Biblical basis for their beliefs. This allows room for differences within the faith community. It validates other Christian voices and shows that genuine faith can exist outside the structure of one specific denomination. Ultimately, it allows your loved one to take a different position on non-essential issues and still hold on to Christ.
4. Trust the Holy Spirit
While faith deconstruction can be alarming, you can rest in the awareness that God is at work behind the scenes. He loves your friend or family member more than any human ever could. He wants a relationship with them and is drawing them in with his kindness (Romans 2:4). No, you can’t guarantee the outcome, but you can trust that his heart is for them.
So, when you’re tempted to correct uncomfortable questions or take control of their process, choose instead to “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). If God leads you to speak truth or share your perspective, do so with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15). Allow God’s perfect love to displace any fear within your heart so you can speak and act with love.
How to Pray for Your Loved One
More than anything, your loved one needs your prayers, especially in these two areas:
1. Pray They Will Experience Christ
Deconstruction is extremely personal. Your loved one is reevaluating beliefs they’ve held at their core. God alone knows the depth of transformation taking place. He sees every hidden wound and hears each unspoken question. He longs to meet them with compassion.
The Living Bible paraphrases Matthew 12:20-21 beautifully as it depicts Jesus’ heart for the hurting. “He does not crush the weak or quench the smallest hope; he will end all conflict with his final victory, and his name shall be the hope of all the world.”
This describes how I experienced Christ when my faith fell apart. Where I expected him to be disappointed in me (as I was in myself), I sensed mercy and open-hearted welcome instead. He dazzled my weary, wounded soul with his grace. Grace I’d sung about and talked about since I was a church kid. Grace far greater than I’d dreamed possible.
The person of Christ held me in the faith. Not well-defined doctrines or convincing arguments. Not creeds or checklists or even the fear of judgment.
Jesus himself is present in deconstruction, inviting people to bring their wounds and their questions and find healing and hope in him.
Your loved one needs to experience Christ. Whether they recognize this need or not, you can pray they will encounter him in soul-mending, faith-building ways.
2. Pray That Deconstruction Leads to Reconstruction
Deconstruction can be beautiful if it leads to restored faith. Just as renovating a historical building is a valuable endeavor, the Christian faith is worth rebuilding when it’s fallen into disrepair. But tearing out what’s rotten and throwing away what’s broken is only part of the process.
God desires to rebuild your loved one’s faith — not just as it was, but as he designed it be so they can flourish.
Before deconstruction, my faith was driven by duty. “Try harder” was my subconscious mantra. I wondered at Jesus’ promise of soul rest, and I secretly doubted he really had abundant life to offer. During deconstruction, he replaced the lies that led me to burnout and taught my soul to rest. He set me on a life-long quest to know his heart and deepened my relationship with him along the way.
Your loved one’s faith needs renewal, too. Pray that as they deconstruct, God himself will rebuild a flourishing faith.
May God’s Spirit guide you as you walk with your loved one through deconstruction, giving you understanding, helping you offer support, and teaching you how to pray for them.
This article originally appeared on Bible Study Tools, 5/30/2024:
We’d just pulled into our driveway. With a sigh, I turned the car around and headed back to the park. My frustration melted, however, when I heard my son praying his shoes would be there when we got back.
As we rolled to a stop in the parking lot, he jumped out and ran to where he had left them. I smiled.
They were still there.
Then I watched in grateful wonder as he looked up, right there in the middle of the park, and mouthed his gratitude, “Thank You, Lord!”
My own sweet mom used to call these Mary Moments – those times when something happens that is so beautiful, so eternally profound, you just tuck it away in your heart to treasure for always (see Luke 2:19).
The shoes-at-the-park incident was a Mary Moment for me. It was worth the extra drivetime to see my son’s faith in action.
Another time, he came to me in excitement and said, “Mama, God was really gracious!” He explained how he’d almost slammed his finger in the bathroom door, but God protected him.
Such a small thing, yet it showed him God is intimately acquainted with all his ways. That He cares enough about his little fingers to keep them out of the door jam.
I love watching my kids encounter these God sightings. Such moments make my heart smile. They remind me that the seeds I’m planting are not in vain.
As parents, we’re called to cultivate hearts – our own, and those of our kids. To weed and water and plant seeds of truth, of love, and of grace.
Most days, we see very little fruit from our labors of love, especially in the little years. It can feel exhausting and overwhelming. Sometimes we may wonder if we’re making any eternal difference at all.
Happy are the days when we catch a glimpse of what God is up to in their hearts. These are Mary Moments – memories to cherish, record, and hold onto.
Here are some thoughts for treasuring those moments:
Pray about the small stuff (and the big things, too)
God is at work all around us. Our needs provide countless opportunities for Him to show up. As we pray with our kids about both big and small concerns, they have an opportunity to see His faithfulness and love.
Write down your Mary Moments
Keep a record of your family’s God sightings. Use a journal or a blessing box to house these priceless memories.
Keep on gardening
As our kids grow, they’ll face situations where God doesn’t spare their fingers or keep their shoes from getting stolen, when their hearts get broken and their dreams seem to die. In those moments, let’s continue planting seeds of truth and reminding them of God’s faithfulness in the past.
Pray for continued faith
Ask God to strengthen their child-like faith and build on their younger years of seeing Him in the small stuff. Pray that finding Him there will lay the foundation of relating to Jesus, so that when hard times come, they’ll find Him just as present, just as gracious, and even more good than they ever dreamed possible in their younger years.
Moms and dads, ours is an eternal work. We serve Jesus as we cultivate the hearts in our homes. Let’s treasure each Mary Moment and press on in this irreplaceable ministry we’ve been given.
Sunday night, hubby came home from a week-long business convention in Pennsylvania. We stayed busy while he was gone – the big kids went to STEM camp each day, our littlest enjoyed several play dates with her besties, and I wrote lots and lots of words. When the weekend rolled around, we were all more than ready for Daddy to be home.
Except that I wasn’t ready when he got home.
Dinner wasn’t done. The bathroom deep clean that had exploded into our bedroom wasn’t… well, cleaned up. The laundry sat where I’d left it, waiting to be put on hangers and hung in the closet.
How I wanted everything to be perfect when he walked in the door. But alas, real life got in the way.
And guess what? He didn’t care.
He just wanted to be with us. To hear about our week and tell us about his. To snuggle up close and enjoy the evening together.
As I bustled about the kitchen trying to hurry the cooking along, I remembered the story of another woman with whose life I so often relate.
Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her” Luke 10:38-42.
I so get Martha! She loved Jesus and wanted everything to be perfect for Him. That meal in the oven was an expression of her affection. She longed to make Him comfortable, to help Him feel at home.
Yet all Jesus wanted was her.
Her heart, her focus, her devotion – not shown through works done in His name, but through responding to His loving pursuit.
In contrast to restless Martha, there sat Mary — the picture of a quiet heart.
Yeah, there were unfinished chores to be done. But Jesus had arrived, and she had to be near Him.
Serving from a distance just would not do.
If He was sitting in the living room, that’s where Mary wanted to be. If He went to the dining room, you’d find her there. If He walked outside, she’d join Him there, too.
Mary was preoccupied with Jesus.
The Bible mentions this Mary several other times – once at Lazarus’ tomb, where she brought her grief to Jesus just before He raised her brother from the dead, and again at a dinner party, where she anointed His feet with expensive perfume as an act of worship*.
In both scenarios, Mary went where Jesus was. She loved Him and needed Him, so she ran to Him with zero hesitation.
Oh, God, give me such a heart! May I never be content with days full of service yet absent of connection with You. Teach me to cultivate Your presence, both in my “daily quiet times” and in middle of my everyday crazy.
How about you? How do you practice the presence of God? In what ways do you cultivate a quiet heart? I’d love to hear – please leave a comment below!
Martha’s words reflected the turmoil in her soul. With so much to do, how could Mary just sit there? Did she forget about their large dinner party tonight? The food wouldn’t cook itself!
Martha wanted so much for everything to be perfect – the meal, the accommodations, the service. It wasn’t everyday that Jesus came to visit! She had to make sure He was comfortable during His stay. He needed to feel honored, to know how much she loved Him. But…how could she do it all alone?
“Don’t You care that she’s left me to do all the work? Tell her to get up and get busy!”*
Do you ever feel like Martha? I know I do. All the time. Hubby jokes about my impossible “to do” lists. But it’s true. I seem incapable of creating a “to do” list that’s actually doable.
Oh, I totally get Martha. I know what it’s like to feel resentful when my priorities are not a priority to others.
So when I came across this passage in my Bible reading last week, I spent a while reflecting on it. Where did Martha go wrong? What is life’s one true necessity that Mary chose? And seriously, did Jesus not care about dinner? I mean, just practically speaking, how was dinner going to get on the table if both Mary and Martha sat at His feet?
What strikes me most in this account is the tenderness that exudes from Jesus’ gentle rebuke.
“Martha, Martha…My dearly loved Martha! I do see your hard work! I know you want to honor me and prove your devotion. But, Martha, that’s not what I want from you! You’re so distracted, so anxious, so uptight. You’re trying so hard all the time. Trying to take care of everyone. Trying to stay on top of things. Trying to do the right thing.
“I want you to quit trying and just come rest.
“Just be near Me. Listen to My heart. That’s what Mary has chosen. I won’t send her away to get busy.”*
The key difference, it seems, between the two sisters is this – Martha was driven to serve, while Mary drew near in love. Her adoration compelled her to just be close. To hang on His every word. To listen to His heart. To know Him deeply.
And Jesus said nothing in the world matters more.
His call to know Him and be near Him is woven through all the pages of Scripture.
“Cease striving and know that I am God…” (Ps 46:10a). “Everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord…” (Phil 3:8). “Oh, that we might now the Lord! Let us press on to know Him…” (Hos 6:3a). “But as for me, the nearness of God is my good…” (Ps 73:28a). “Let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace…” (Heb 4:16a). “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you…” (Jas 4:8).
Boil it all down, and we find this at the heart of Christianity – being near God. It’s expressed in many different ways…Abiding in Him. Drawing near to Him. Learning from Him. Loving Him. Fixing our eyes on Him. But it all comes back to intimate nearness with God. Everything else in life flows out of that.
This nearness is certainly cultivated in quiet alone times with Him. But thankfully, for this mama with littles (who finds “quiet time” a bit elusive), I’m learning it can also be cultivated in the noise and activity of life. In my busy “Martha moments,” when dinner truly must get on the table, I can still have the heart of Mary as I rest in my relationship with Him. Serving my family (and anything else I do) can be an overflow of my walk with Him. As I receive and rest in His love, I can freely give it to those around me.
So whatever our season, however busy our days, let us press on to know Him!
How do you cultivate the nearness of God in your daily life?
*This is my paraphrase. 🙂 You can read the whole story in Luke 10:38-42.
It was hot and dusty in Ensenada, Mexico. So many things were different from what I knew – outdoor bathrooms, eating in the open air, houses with just two rooms in them, little stores in people’s homes… A completely new culture. And I loved it. I fell in love there…with fish tacos. And, more importantly, with the Mexican people. So beautiful. So generous. So kind.
We had just returned from a neighborhood outreach where we hosted a game of “football” (or “soccer,” as we Americans call it.) My sandaled feet were dusty and dirty from walking on the unpaved roads, so I sat down on a retaining wall next to a water spigot to wash them.
A Mexican woman, my sister in Christ, watched as I tried to balance on the wall while scrubbing my feet. Then suddenly, she walked over and knelt beside me. She took my dirty feet in her hands and began to wash them for me.
I was speechless. How do you thank someone who just showed you Jesus in such a vivid way?
That memory is forever etched in my heart and mind. I don’t even know her name. But she was Jesus to me that day. And someday I will meet her again. We will talk uninhibited by language barriers about the Servant Master we both love.
This memory came to mind recently as I read from John 13 with my kids. Jesus, Creator of the universe, Most High God and King of Kings, knelt before His followers and served them. He did the lowest of jobs, a job reserved for servants, when He washed their stinky feet. It was a picture of His love for them. And an example for them (and us) to follow.
But I’ve always wondered why the Bible includes verse three – “Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under His power, and that He had come from God and was returning to God.” Apparently, this was the basis of His service. What significance did this knowledge have for Jesus? Philippians 2:6-7 gives an interesting parallel. Jesus, “although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-slave…”
The man Jesus was totally secure in His identity. The Father knew Him and had given Him authority over all things. That was enough for Jesus. He didn’t have to prove that, to grasp that equality. It’s who He is, regardless of whether people recognized Him or not. Because He didn’t live for the approval of man, He was able to empty Himself and serve.
And that can be true of us as well. A few verses earlier in Phillipians 2, we are told to “do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves” (v. 3). It’s not that we are less important than others. We are all made in the image of God. But we don’t have to prove our worth, because God knows us and has given us our identity.
As God’s child, I am chosen and greatly loved. I have been made holy and blameless through the blood of Christ. I was adopted because He wanted me. He has freely, lavishly, bestowed grace upon me and has given me every spiritual blessing. I am redeemed and forgiven. His intentions toward me, His child, are kind. I have been given an eternal inheritance and have received the Holy Spirit to seal and guarantee that inheritance. His surpassingly great power is for me. (See Eph 1.) In Christ who loves me, I overwhelmingly conquer (Rom 8:37). Direct, bold access has been granted to the throne room of the Almighty (Heb 4:16). He has personally drawn me near (Eph 2:13). I am firmly rooted and complete in Christ (Col 2:7,10). I am a new creation (2 Cor 5:17), God’s masterpiece (Eph 2:10). And nothing, absolutely nothing, can ever separate me from the steadfast love of my Jesus (Rom 8:38).
That is just a taste of my identity as a follower of Jesus. Is it yours? If you know Jesus, it is your identity as well. Nothing can change that – not our sin, not the opinion of others. Our Creator defines us and has blessed us beyond measure.
If God knows us, and says this is who we are, we have no need to “grasp equality” with those around us. We have nothing to prove. So like Jesus, we can freely serve those God puts in our lives. The indwelling Spirit of Jesus will direct and empower us as He lives His life through us.
Dinner wasn’t done. The bathroom deep clean that had exploded into our bedroom wasn’t… well, cleaned up. The laundry sat where I’d left it, waiting to be put on hangers and hung in the closet.
