The lyrics to the church worship song fell flat on my heavy heart. With my mind, I trust in the goodness of God — it’s one of my deepest core beliefs. But that day, my emotions were a tangled mess of confusion, grief, and anger as I walked through a very painful season.
“God, this doesn’t feel good. I’m struggling to sing these words today.” I wanted to keep believing he’s good, but clinging to hope when the future looked bleak took some serious wrestling with God.
Hold it together. Don’t bawl in front of everyone. You did that last week, surely you can keep your composure this week. I wish I had a tissue.
Suddenly, I felt a friend standing next to me. She put her arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a welcomed hug. From where she sat two rows behind me, she’d noticed my struggle. Maybe it was the way I kept dabbing at my eyes as I tried to be discreet. Maybe it was my hunched shoulders, tense with bottled-up emotions. Somehow, she noticed me hurting and didn’t want me to stand there alone.
A minute later, a second friend put her arm around me from the other side. Then I felt a hand on my back from someone in the row behind me.
The dam broke. The tears flowed. Sobs shook my body. And my friends stayed right by my side. They didn’t care that I fell apart. They just wanted me to know I wasn’t alone.
As we stood there, God’s Spirit whispered silently to my soul. I do love you, even though circumstances are hard. I am good, even when life is not. You’re surrounded by mercy.
And quite literally, I was.
As someone whose story is riddled with religious trauma, leaning into church life can be a challenge for me. But through this beautiful community we call our church home, I’m learning how God invites us to walk together through suffering.
Beware of Spiritual Bypassing
One of the greatest hindrances to helping our hurting friends is the practice of spiritual bypassing. Psychotherapist Dr. Alison Cook explains that spiritual bypassing is “using spiritual concepts, platitudes, or spiritual language to bypass or over-spiritualize the real struggles that we face.” It shortcuts the deep work God wants to do in our hearts by offering a quick-fix, a mind-over-matter solution, a focus on performance rather than a process of inner renewal.
Regrettably, I’ve been guilty of spiritual bypassing on many occasions. In response to someone’s painful story, I’ve quoted Bible verses, offered simplistic solutions, or evaded my own discomfort by promising to pray for them, then walking away. (And I may or may not have remembered to pray.) Sometimes I’ve even patted myself on the back afterwards, congratulating myself for “sharing the truth.”
In reality, though, my help was not helpful.
In a previous article, we looked at ways spiritual bypassing harms people — misrepresenting God’s heart, hindering authentic connection, causing us to feel unknown, and ignoring the whole person. In that article, we explored how to avoid this on a personal level. Today, let’s focus on the broader picture of avoiding spiritual bypassing in our communities.
For seven ways we can offer life-giving support, hop over to Bible Study Tools.
Is it possible to disagree without being disagreeable? How can Christians hold different opinions without creating division? What heart attitudes promote harmony in a dissonant world?
Throughout the New Testament, God calls his people to like-mindedness.
“Live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose” (1 Corinthians 1:10).
“Make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind” (Philippians 2:2).
“Let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up” (Romans 14:19).
These verses have me nodding my head in agreement. Yes, unity is beautiful — a noble calling for a holy people. I want to live this way. To build others up, to represent the gospel well, to reflect the God who is our peace.
In the everyday, though, life gets messy.
We all operate with our own unique filters: our culture, our family background, our stories, our church affiliation, our wounds, our personalities. Even as Christians, we hold different beliefs, have different priorities, lean toward different preferences.
How, then, can we possibly promote peace?
As humans we often gravitate to one extreme or another. Many of us are conflict avoidant. We run from disagreement or quietly smile and nod, keeping our thoughts and opinions to ourselves. Others of us are confrontational. If we disagree, we don’t mind saying so. In both situations, our natural responses can lead to division.
Here, as in many other situations, God beckons us into the middle spaces of grace where uniformity isn’t necessary for unity. He wants to reshape our hearts so we can speak up with confidence when something needs to be said, and we can listen with humility when he calls us to be quiet. We can learn to bring harmony into the situations we encounter as God weaves his peace into our souls.
5 Attitudes for Disagreeing without Dividing
1. Humility
In my young adult years, I held firm beliefs on many topics — especially when it came to the Bible. After walking through the collapse and reconstruction of my faith, however, I learned there’s often a bigger picture than what I can see on my own. For sure, truth is absolute, and the Bible speaks clearly on many black and white issues.
But life also holds many gray areas. On these topics, the Bible leaves room for us to lean into God, to learn and study and explore, to listen for his voice while embracing humility and a teachable heart.
1 Peter 5:5 instructs us, “Dress yourselves in humility as you relate to one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’”
Humility paves the way for growth. It fosters healthy conversations and leaves room for others to express different viewpoints. It enables us to listen without defensiveness and learn from one another.
2. Curiosity
If humility opens the door for authentic conversations, curiosity helps those conversations go deep and wide. Scripture calls us to be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). Curiosity helps us do just that.
A few years ago, our family started attending a new church. Before settling here, we’d never spent time in this particular denomination. Everything felt new. New terminology, new methodology, new worship styles. We asked lots of questions. We discussed Bible passages and enjoyed many thought-provoking conversations. We gleaned beautiful insight from orthodox voices in a different church tradition.
It felt like stretching, like growing. More than anything, it felt like learning to value our brothers and sisters in the larger Body of Christ.
Curiosity helps us avoid making assumptions based on hearsay or preconceived ideas. It creates space to understand and be understood, to know and be known. It allows us to see souls, not just differences.
3. Respect
By approaching hard conversations with humility and curiosity, we can learn to live with respect. 1 Peter 2:17 instructs us to “Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, [and] fear God…”
Each person we encounter bears God’s image and has immeasurable worth and value. When we treat one another respectfully, we honor God.
In hard conversations with other believers, it’s important to remember that like us, they have the Spirit of God living within them. We should honor their walk with Christ and acknowledge his work in their lives, even in times of disagreement.
An attitude of respect enables us to treat people with dignity. It helps us obey Proverbs 3:3: “Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart.”
4. Open-Heartedness
Romans 14 is my go-to passage for relating well with other Christians. In this chapter, the apostle Paul addresses a hot topic in the church at Corinth — eating meat sacrificed to idols. While this may seem strange to many twenty-first century believers, it was a point of major contention for this early church.
Paul urges believers on both sides of the issue to accept each other. In the Bible’s original Greek, acceptance carries the idea of friendship, of welcoming someone close and allowing them access to your heart.
In the family of God, Christians are called to welcome one another — even those with whom we disagree.
Why? Because God accepts them, just as he accepts us. Based on our mutual faith in Christ, we stand accepted by our Father. He has granted us access to his heart and lavished us with his favor. He is the One who helps us stand strong in our faith, and he is the One to whom we will give account.
While we may naturally gravitate to those with similar viewpoints, God calls us to live with an open heart toward those who view life differently.
5. Confidence
Relating to one another with acceptance, however, doesn’t mean our differences are unimportant. It doesn’t excuse sin that should be confronted or negate the need for sound doctrine and healthy boundaries. It doesn’t minimize personal conviction or call us to simply conform to the beliefs of those around us.
On the contrary, Romans 14:5 instructs us to be fully convinced in our own minds that what we believe is true. God calls us to study his Word, seek his heart, and allow his Spirit to teach us. As he guides us in forming convictions, we’ll learn to live out our faith with confidence and to share our beliefs with grace.
Differences are a necessary part of life. Jesus made it clear that he came to present people with a choice to either accept or reject him by faith. As Christians, we won’t always agree with those who don’t know him. God calls us to relate to non-believers with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15-16).
Within the family of faith, differences of belief are also unavoidable. Denominations exist because, as we study his Word, we Christians land in different places on secondary and tertiary issues. This can be a beautiful thing. We can learn from one other and grow in grace as we remember what we hold in common and allow space for what we see differently.
Our Source of Unity
As is true with every quality God calls us to practice, these heart attitudes can only grow in us through connection with God’s Spirit. Rather than demanding we perform them for him, he calls us to receive them from him.
His Spirit is our Source. Whenever we see in ourselves a lack of humility, curiosity, respect, open-heartedness, or confidence, God beckons us to bring our wrong attitudes into his light. To turn from our lack to his abundance. To allow his Spirit to renew our minds so our attitudes and actions can change as a result. As he does this, we’ll become more and more like him.
The God who calls us to “Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace” (Ephesians 4:3) will teach us how to “be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude” (1 Peter 3:8).
The following quote has been variously attributed to St. Augustine, John Wesley, and others. But regardless of who said it, it sums up our Christian calling well:
“In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.”
As we walk with God and allow him to form his character in our lives, may he use us to promote harmony among the people he loves.
This article originally appeared at Bible Study Tools on 12/16/2024.
“God has a plan so everything’s going to work out.”
“Just give it to Jesus and count your blessings.”
“Keep praying and reading your Bible.”
If you’ve spent much time in Christian circles, you’ve likely heard phrases like these. Maybe, like me, you’ve even spoken them. They’re often well intentioned — our best attempts to help a struggling friend (or ourselves) cope with pain and hold onto faith. But while they may contain an element of truth, these types of comments have potential to cause great harm.
Psychologists call them spiritual bypassing.
To learn more about spiritual bypassing and 4 ways it harms us, as well as a healthier alternative, join me at Bible Study Tools.
“Don’t blink,” they said. “She’ll be grown before you know it.”
“Soon the moments will be memories.”
In the little years, when the days felt like decades and the nights even longer, those clichés sounded, well, cliché. Yet here we are, embarking on our little girl’s senior year. I’m not sure how we got here this quickly, but ready or not, the school year begins.
I anticipate all the emotions this year (both hers and mine.) We’ll treasure all her lasts as we step into her new firsts. I’ll ache over what’s ending, rejoice over the woman she’s becoming, and worry a little (okay, maybe a lot) over the changes ahead.
And as best I know how, I’ll take these feelings to Jesus.
Preparing to Pray
The longer I parent, the more I realize how much I need the help of the perfect Parent, the One who crafted my kids’ souls and fashioned their lives. The One who knows them better than I do, better than they know themselves. The One who sees below the surface to the very core of their being and loves them more — infinitely more — than I do.
I’m learning to ask our Father how to pray for them and to listen for his still, small voice in my soul as he impresses prayer needs on my heart. If you, too, have a senior in your life, I invite you to join me in waiting on God and praying however he leads.
In addition to any specific prayer needs God may give you, here are eight prayers taken from Scripture that we can pray for the seniors we love.
1. Pray They’ll Experience God’s Astounding Love
“And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God” (Ephesians 3:18-19).
Thank you, Father, for your measureless love. Give _______ (your child’s name) grace to comprehend how much you love them. May they experience your tenderness toward them. Help them recognize your gentleness and compassion so they can embrace a life of faith. May the love of Christ compel them to love you in return, and may it overflow in love to those around them.
2. Pray They’ll Invite Jesus into Everything
“Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, and He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way]” (Proverbs 3:5-6 AMP).
God, _______ has a lot of change in front of them. Be their peace, the strength of their heart and the One with whom they can process every emotion. May you be their constant, the Friend with whom they feel safe, their security in uncertain times. Remind them of your desire to walk through all of life with them. Help them turn toward you daily and invite you into the big and little decisions they face. May trust take root and flourish in their souls. Direct their paths as they lean on you.
3. Pray They’ll Cultivate Healthy Relationships
“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
Please surround _______ with wise and encouraging friends. Help them invest in relationships that encourage them to love you and make wise choices. May these people form their core friend group. Teach _______ and their friends to prioritize relational health — sacrificial love coupled with healthy boundaries.
Give them a welcoming heart, an attitude that expresses, “There’s always room at my table.” May those who don’t yet know you be drawn to the Christlike love they sense in _______.
May they also seek out the wisdom of those with more experience and intentionally learn from them.
I pray also for my relationship with my child. Teach us to relate well with one another — with respect, honesty, and love. Help us prioritize time together and make room to listen and give understanding. When I need to correct or instruct, show me how to do so in ways they can receive. Guide us both as we transition from a parent/teen to a parent/young adult relationship.
4. Pray They’ll Treasure God’s Word
“How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore, I hate every wrong path. Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path” (Psalm 119:103-105).
Thank you, God, for the gift of your Word. Thank you especially for how you reveal yourself through it. Draw _______’s heart toward it and meet with them there. May it be sweet to them. Teach them your ways. Give them wisdom and discernment. Renew their minds, mend their broken places, and transform them from the inside out as they encounter you through your Word.
5. Pray They’ll Live with Integrity
“Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil” (Proverbs 4:25-27).
Help _______ to live with integrity. If they’re holding any double standards, point this out to them and give them courage to choose you and your ways. If friendships or self-oriented desires hold more sway than you, reshape their soul so they love what you love. If anything is hidden that needs to be known, shine your light into the situation.
May your Word and your Spirit guide them. Give them strength to resist negative peer pressure and personal temptation. Help them actively choose truth and wisdom. May their life be characterized by ongoing growth in Christlikeness.
6. Pray They’ll See Themselves through Their God-Given Identity
“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous — how well I know it” (Psalm 119:13-14).
You are _______’s Creator. What a masterpiece you’ve made! Help them see themselves as you do. When they’re tempted to define themselves by others’ opinions, remind them who you say they are — an image bearer of the Most High God, a work of art unlike anyone else, a treasure you know and love. When their inner critic condemns them, may the voice of truth speak louder than the lies. When they seek worth and value from what they do or own, teach them instead to rest in your definition of them.
7. Pray They’ll Find Their Place within God’s Kingdom Story
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33).
King Jesus, help _______ to see your kingdom in the everyday and recognize their role within it. Instruct them in the larger picture, the story you’ve been writing since the inception of time. Ignite in their soul a passion to live out your call on their life. May they find great joy and fulfilment in following you in it. Lift their eyes from the here and now so they can live in light of your kingdom.
8. Pray They’ll Hunger for God
“Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ” (Philippians 3:8).
You, Lord, are infinitely beautiful — the One who truly satisfies our souls. Captivate _______’s heart. Help them to taste and see that you are good (Psalm 34:8). May they experience a growing hunger for you. May their relationship with you be central to everything else. May they never be content with surface knowledge or mental beliefs, but continually long to know you more.
As our kids embark on their final year of high school, let’s give them the gift of our prayers and our presence. May they feel cheered on and supported, loved and well cared for, prayed over and prepared for whatever chapters come next.
This article originally appeared on Bible Study Tools, 8/19/2024: https://www.biblestudytools.com/slideshows/8-beautiful-ways-to-pray-for-your-high-school-senior.html
As the words of our song reverberated through the Russian cathedral, the memory of those moments etched itself on my soul. Our mission team had come to tour the church. Inspired by the sanctuary’s beauty, we sang God’s praise from the balcony. Never had I heard more beautiful acoustics.
On our way out, a woman who worked in the cathedral spoke to our translator. With tears in her eyes, she explained how she’d prayed for years to hear God praised in another language. Who knew our spontaneous worship would be the answer to a fellow believer’s prayer?
Moments like this feel like ministry. Surrounded by beauty. Inspired by answered prayer. Serving in a country on the other side of the planet.
Parenting, on the other hand, can feel like anything but ministry. Surrounded by messes. Exhausted by relentless needs. Serving in the very real spaces we call home.
It’s easy to think ministry happens out there through people with seminary degrees and a profound sense of calling.
But what if Jesus views parenting as ministry? And if he does, what does the ministry of parenting look like?
Parenting as Ministry
I remember feeling a bit purposeless as a young mom. I changed diapers, read stories, and cooked meals. Then I put the kids to bed and did it all over again the next day—for days, weeks, and months on end. Compared to mission trips, Bible studies led, and worship songs sung, those everyday jobs didn’t feel much like ministry.
Yet, at its core, ministry is service, and that’s exactly what we’re doing in our homes.
Writing about the word’s biblical usage, Bill Mounce explains that ministry “can refer to helps and service of various kinds which can range in meaning from spiritual Biblical teaching (Acts 6:4) to the practical giving of provisions, supplies, support, and finances to those in need (2 Corinthians 9:12).”
What a fitting description of Christian parenting—serving our kids’ spiritual and practical needs.
Here are three ways Jesus views parenting as ministry.
1. Caring for Our Kids’ Needs
When I was preparing to write this article, I asked our teenage daughter, “How do you think Jesus sees parenting as ministry?” She responded with a pun, “I don’t know, but I’m sure God will make it ap-parent to you.” (Groans and eye rolls all around. I love her sense of humor.)
The next day, I asked our teenage son the same question. He reminded me of Matthew 7:9-11 (NLT): “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead?Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not!So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.”
When we care for our kids’ practical needs, we’re modeling the generous heart of our Father. We’re not just providing food or giving them a safe home to live in. We’re showing them there’s a God who cares for us. One who knows our needs and loves to give what is good. One who values his children infinitely more than the birds he keeps his eye upon (Matthew 6:25-32).
Our kids’ physical needs are often the most obvious and easiest to address. Yet, in the ministry of parenting, God calls us to care for our kids holistically. The One who created humans with bodies, minds, and spirits wants to teach us how to minister to their outward and inward needs.
Caring for our kids’ souls is multidimensional. It involves, among other things, teaching them to process emotions in a healthy way, talking with them about good friendships and healthy boundary setting, and compassionately walking with them through whatever struggles they face.
Through practical ministry in our homes, we can help our kids thrive as they discover and grow into the unique individuals God created them to be.
In addition to caring for their physical and emotional health, the ministry of parenting calls us to invest in their spiritual well-being, too. I like to think of this as discipleship.
2. Relating to Our Kids as Disciples
Discipleship describes the relationship between a teacher and a student. It includes more than simply passing on information, however. Through time spent together, the teacher instructs and models what they want their students to emulate—lessons learned, habits formed, and a worldview acquired.
Jesus’ relationship with his twelve closest followers provides a beautiful picture of what discipleship can look like in our homes. For three years, he spent nearly every day with them—eating, traveling, and working together. Along the way and with intentionality, Jesus taught them about the ways of his kingdom and the heart of his Father.
In the Old Testament, God instructed parents to teach their children in a similar way:
“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates” (Deuteronomy 6:4-9).
In both the Old and New Testaments, we see examples of spiritually investing in those under our care. We can do this in two main ways:
As We Go
For this busy mom, the words of Deuteronomy are a welcome relief. The ministry of parenting involves living out our faith as we go about our daily lives. Most of our family’s spiritually profound conversations are not planned. They come up while we’re driving and discussing concerns about the day ahead. Or at 10 pm when my body wants to sleep but my teen wants to talk. Or when I’m asking forgiveness for speaking with anger instead of love.
These are the moments when real life meets real faith. I’m not studied up or even prayed up, necessarily. But I find myself silently asking the Holy Spirit to fill me with his wisdom, strength, or compassion so I can represent Jesus well in those spontaneous conversations.
On Purpose
God also gave the Israelite people regular, commemorative celebrations to remind them of their relationship with him (Leviticus 23). Woven throughout Scripture is the call to purposely cultivate faith in God (Psalm 11:9, Romans 12:2).
While we may not have annual religious feasts like the Israelites did, we can plan ways to intentionally disciple our kids.
In our family, this has looked different as our kids have grown. When they were little and we were home every day, we read the Bible and prayed together as part of our daily routine. Now that they’re older and we’re away from the house most days, we try to gather and read a devotion a few times a week. A few years ago, when we were in between churches, we set aside Sunday afternoons to talk about the church service we’d just experienced. This led to many beautiful faith conversations.
Ultimately, as I invest in my kids’ spiritual formation, I seek to encourage each of them to embrace their personal walk with God. There’s nothing more beautiful to me than hearing my son or daughter share something they learned from him on their own.
While this is my heart’s desire for each of my kids, it’s also a choice that’s up to them. Our ministry call as parents is simply to make Jesus known and to trust him with our children’s hearts.
3. Modeling Our Own Walk of Faith
An essential part of our calling as Christian parents is to cultivate authentic faith in our own lives. It’s easy to think of this in terms of duty. Like Martha trying desperately to serve Jesus and take care of everyone in her house, we may feel that seeking God is just one more item on our already-full to-do list.
His words to Martha apply to us, too: “…My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her” (Luke 10:41-42 NLT).
It wasn’t that feeding people and ensuring their comfort in her home didn’t matter. Jesus knew Martha’s heart was to honor him and care well for her guests. But he also knew serving him would never satisfy the restlessness of her soul. It couldn’t produce in her the abundant or the fruit of his Spirit.
Unlike Martha, Mary chose to enjoy him. She was concerned about one thing—receiving from Jesus, not doing for Jesus. Sitting at his feet wasn’t a duty (nor was serving him, as we see her doing elsewhere in Scripture). He was her delight, the source of rest for her soul. So, whether she served him or sat quietly at his feet, her focus was on Christ himself.
In a similar way, Jesus beckons us close. He invites us to return to him repeatedly for peace and rest (Psalm 116:7, Matthew 11:28-30). Through set-aside times and on the go, he calls us to live relationally with his Spirit, getting to know him and receiving from him all we need for this ministry of parenting.
A life of authentic faith can be complicated. What a gift we give our children when we allow them to witness our walk with God through the ups and downs.
– When we talk about what God is teaching us, they learn they can hear from him, too.
– When we share how he welcomes us to bring our questions and doubts, they discover they can be real with God, too.
– When we prioritize soul care, they understand the importance of investing in their spiritual lives, too.
– When our love for God compels us to love others, they observe Christ ministering through the hands and feet of his people.
– When they hear us apologize for the wrongs we’ve done, they learn the importance of living with a clear conscience.
Paul encouraged the people of Corinth: “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ” (1 Corinthians 1:11). As parents, we have the privilege of leading our kids toward Christ by example.
The Heart of Ministry
As we care for, disciple, and model faith for our kids, we are living out the ministry of parenting. Underlying all these practices, however, must be a commitment to cultivating our relationship with our kids.
We can read the Bible with our kids every day. We can meet their physical needs and take them to every extracurricular activity they desire. We can bring them to church and send them on mission trips. But if we fail to love them relationally, we’ll undermine everything else we’re trying to do.
Our influence lies in our relationship.
Our kids need to know we care about them and about the things that are important to them. They need us to put down our devices, look them in the eye with a smile, and listen to whatever is on their minds. They need one-on-one time with us and acceptance of their personality, thoughts, and feelings.
As we prioritize our relationship with them, we model the relationship God wants to have with them, as well.
The Perfect Parent
As much as I long to parent well and raise kids with no childhood baggage, like every mom and dad, I fail along the way. God alone is the perfect Parent.
This, of course, is no excuse for mistreatment or neglect. God holds us accountable for those he’s entrusted to our care. But he doesn’t expect perfection—just a growing desire to love well with our words and our actions and a willingness to seek forgiveness when we mess up.
My mentor often reminds me, “Kids don’t need perfect parents. They need a perfect God.”
Our perfect God knows our kids better than we ever will. He offers everything we need to care for and disciple our kids in this ministry of parenting. Through cultivating our relationship with him and our kids, we can point them to the perfect Parent who loves them and invites them to know him, as well.
This article originally appeared on Crosswalk, 03/22/2024:
Applause erupted as our daughter stood to receive her third award of the evening. She beamed with excitement while walking on stage. I listened to the praise of both her teachers and peers. My heart swelled with joy. Their words confirmed what I already knew—she’s an incredible kid.
At the same time, I ached for her brother, who received no awards that night. He’s an amazing kid, too. He did well in his classes, and his kind, fun-loving personality won him many friends. Still, he took home no awards.
Oh, the depth of conflicting emotions a parent’s heart can hold in the same moment.
On the way home, our son commented, “I wonder why I didn’t get any awards.” I turned in the front passenger seat and looked at him with compassion. I’ve experienced these gut-wrenching feelings before, too. I know what it’s like to anticipate affirmation and come away disappointed. I know how hard it is to celebrate with a friend while trying to mask my own pain.
How can we help our kids deal with rejection? Here are some thoughts on preparing them for both disappointment and success:
Our children have different talents and gifts.
As we sat in the car that night, we reminisced about swim team last summer when our son was the one winning the awards. His sister won some, too. But that night, he excelled.
God created each of our kids with unique abilities and individual talents. Faithfulness in using our gifts is more valuable than receiving the applause of others. God sees our hard work, our diligence, and our perseverance—even when others don’t.
God gives us value and identity.
Our son builds amazing Lego creations. He draws detailed bridges. He memorizes facts and Bible verses easily. But none of these abilities define him. They don’t give him his worth any more than his struggles diminish his worth.
Our kids have intrinsic value simply because God made them in His image. No other creature has received such a gift. The praise or criticism of people can’t change the reality of who they are. The Creator of the universe deeply loves them, wants them, and delights in them. He died to make a way for them to be close to Him.
Jesus understands rejection.
In becoming human, Jesus showed us the heart of God. He spent His days loving, healing, teaching—pouring Himself out for those He created. In the end, they rejected Him. They falsely accused Him, spit on Him, beat Him, and ultimately crucified Him.
He gets rejection.
His heart goes out to our kids when they are overlooked. He invites them to tell him all about their feelings—not just the pretty ones, but the raw, unfiltered emotions, too. He understands. This place of vulnerability can be the very spot where they encounter God. He’s able to comfort them, heal their wounds, and bring beauty out of their pain.
“I’d choose you.”
When I was young, my mom read a book to me entitled I’d Choose You by John Trent. In this story, a mother elephant describes several scenarios in which she would choose her own son over any other child, no matter who performed best.
I long for my kids to possess a deep confidence that even if another person does something better than they do, I would still choose them—simply because they’re mine. They are loved and treasured, just as they are.
Rejoice with those who rejoice.
Our kids enjoy cheering on their friends, whether it’s an awards ceremony or a swim meet. It’s fun to watch the success of those we love.
It can be difficult to rejoice, though, when someone else’s triumph means our loss. Choosing to celebrate our friends’ or siblings’ achievements develops humility and strengthens friendships.
We can help our kids grow in this by praying with them—leading them in telling God about their feelings and asking for his joy. Then, together, we can take a practical step toward celebration— telling their sibling, “I’m proud of you,” writing a “Congratulations” card, or sending a “Way to go” text. Finally, we can affirm them and reinforce the good character they’ve just displayed by expressing how proud we are of them.
Define true success.
I’ll never forget the day a teacher pulled me aside to talk about a recent incident in P.E. One of the boys was struggling with an activity. Our son noticed and took it upon himself to help this boy, staying by his side as they played the game.
Hearing this brought happy tears to my eyes. I rejoiced in our son’s compassion displayed that day.
“The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love” (Galatians 5:6b). God looks at our kids’ hearts. He values faith and love. He honors integrity and good character. Our kids need to know we do, too.
If we look to good grades or achievement as the measure of success, we’re setting our children up for future problems. Some may be tempted to cheat their way to a good report card. Others may define themselves by their scores—being devastated by poor grades or conceited by good ones.
Our kids need to know that while their grades matter and we’ll celebrate good ones together, report cards exist mainly to show us where there’s room for improvement. A poor grade can indicate the need to devote extra time to a subject or approach it differently. It may point out room for personal growth in diligence, perseverance, or attentiveness. Sometimes, it can even alert us to a possible learning difficulty or disorder.
True success is measured not by an award or the grade on a test but by what’s in the heart.
Rejection affects all of us. Our kids will be overlooked, left out, or even shunned. When this happens, we have the priceless opportunity of pointing them to Jesus and helping them grow stronger and more empathetic through the pain.
Let’s take every opportunity to affirm our children. Let’s instruct them in true success, the beauty of faith, and the value of integrity. The worth of these things will last for eternity.
This article originally appeared on Crosswalk, 03/05/2024:
