The lyrics to the church worship song fell flat on my heavy heart. With my mind, I trust in the goodness of God — it’s one of my deepest core beliefs. But that day, my emotions were a tangled mess of confusion, grief, and anger as I walked through a very painful season.
“God, this doesn’t feel good. I’m struggling to sing these words today.” I wanted to keep believing he’s good, but clinging to hope when the future looked bleak took some serious wrestling with God.
Hold it together. Don’t bawl in front of everyone. You did that last week, surely you can keep your composure this week. I wish I had a tissue.
Suddenly, I felt a friend standing next to me. She put her arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a welcomed hug. From where she sat two rows behind me, she’d noticed my struggle. Maybe it was the way I kept dabbing at my eyes as I tried to be discreet. Maybe it was my hunched shoulders, tense with bottled-up emotions. Somehow, she noticed me hurting and didn’t want me to stand there alone.
A minute later, a second friend put her arm around me from the other side. Then I felt a hand on my back from someone in the row behind me.
The dam broke. The tears flowed. Sobs shook my body. And my friends stayed right by my side. They didn’t care that I fell apart. They just wanted me to know I wasn’t alone.
As we stood there, God’s Spirit whispered silently to my soul. I do love you, even though circumstances are hard. I am good, even when life is not. You’re surrounded by mercy.
And quite literally, I was.
As someone whose story is riddled with religious trauma, leaning into church life can be a challenge for me. But through this beautiful community we call our church home, I’m learning how God invites us to walk together through suffering.
Beware of Spiritual Bypassing
One of the greatest hindrances to helping our hurting friends is the practice of spiritual bypassing. Psychotherapist Dr. Alison Cook explains that spiritual bypassing is “using spiritual concepts, platitudes, or spiritual language to bypass or over-spiritualize the real struggles that we face.” It shortcuts the deep work God wants to do in our hearts by offering a quick-fix, a mind-over-matter solution, a focus on performance rather than a process of inner renewal.
Regrettably, I’ve been guilty of spiritual bypassing on many occasions. In response to someone’s painful story, I’ve quoted Bible verses, offered simplistic solutions, or evaded my own discomfort by promising to pray for them, then walking away. (And I may or may not have remembered to pray.) Sometimes I’ve even patted myself on the back afterwards, congratulating myself for “sharing the truth.”
In reality, though, my help was not helpful.
In a previous article, we looked at ways spiritual bypassing harms people — misrepresenting God’s heart, hindering authentic connection, causing us to feel unknown, and ignoring the whole person. In that article, we explored how to avoid this on a personal level. Today, let’s focus on the broader picture of avoiding spiritual bypassing in our communities.
For seven ways we can offer life-giving support, hop over to Bible Study Tools.
Is it possible to disagree without being disagreeable? How can Christians hold different opinions without creating division? What heart attitudes promote harmony in a dissonant world?
Throughout the New Testament, God calls his people to like-mindedness.
“Live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose” (1 Corinthians 1:10).
“Make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind” (Philippians 2:2).
“Let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up” (Romans 14:19).
These verses have me nodding my head in agreement. Yes, unity is beautiful — a noble calling for a holy people. I want to live this way. To build others up, to represent the gospel well, to reflect the God who is our peace.
In the everyday, though, life gets messy.
We all operate with our own unique filters: our culture, our family background, our stories, our church affiliation, our wounds, our personalities. Even as Christians, we hold different beliefs, have different priorities, lean toward different preferences.
How, then, can we possibly promote peace?
As humans we often gravitate to one extreme or another. Many of us are conflict avoidant. We run from disagreement or quietly smile and nod, keeping our thoughts and opinions to ourselves. Others of us are confrontational. If we disagree, we don’t mind saying so. In both situations, our natural responses can lead to division.
Here, as in many other situations, God beckons us into the middle spaces of grace where uniformity isn’t necessary for unity. He wants to reshape our hearts so we can speak up with confidence when something needs to be said, and we can listen with humility when he calls us to be quiet. We can learn to bring harmony into the situations we encounter as God weaves his peace into our souls.
5 Attitudes for Disagreeing without Dividing
1. Humility
In my young adult years, I held firm beliefs on many topics — especially when it came to the Bible. After walking through the collapse and reconstruction of my faith, however, I learned there’s often a bigger picture than what I can see on my own. For sure, truth is absolute, and the Bible speaks clearly on many black and white issues.
But life also holds many gray areas. On these topics, the Bible leaves room for us to lean into God, to learn and study and explore, to listen for his voice while embracing humility and a teachable heart.
1 Peter 5:5 instructs us, “Dress yourselves in humility as you relate to one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’”
Humility paves the way for growth. It fosters healthy conversations and leaves room for others to express different viewpoints. It enables us to listen without defensiveness and learn from one another.
2. Curiosity
If humility opens the door for authentic conversations, curiosity helps those conversations go deep and wide. Scripture calls us to be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). Curiosity helps us do just that.
A few years ago, our family started attending a new church. Before settling here, we’d never spent time in this particular denomination. Everything felt new. New terminology, new methodology, new worship styles. We asked lots of questions. We discussed Bible passages and enjoyed many thought-provoking conversations. We gleaned beautiful insight from orthodox voices in a different church tradition.
It felt like stretching, like growing. More than anything, it felt like learning to value our brothers and sisters in the larger Body of Christ.
Curiosity helps us avoid making assumptions based on hearsay or preconceived ideas. It creates space to understand and be understood, to know and be known. It allows us to see souls, not just differences.
3. Respect
By approaching hard conversations with humility and curiosity, we can learn to live with respect. 1 Peter 2:17 instructs us to “Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, [and] fear God…”
Each person we encounter bears God’s image and has immeasurable worth and value. When we treat one another respectfully, we honor God.
In hard conversations with other believers, it’s important to remember that like us, they have the Spirit of God living within them. We should honor their walk with Christ and acknowledge his work in their lives, even in times of disagreement.
An attitude of respect enables us to treat people with dignity. It helps us obey Proverbs 3:3: “Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart.”
4. Open-Heartedness
Romans 14 is my go-to passage for relating well with other Christians. In this chapter, the apostle Paul addresses a hot topic in the church at Corinth — eating meat sacrificed to idols. While this may seem strange to many twenty-first century believers, it was a point of major contention for this early church.
Paul urges believers on both sides of the issue to accept each other. In the Bible’s original Greek, acceptance carries the idea of friendship, of welcoming someone close and allowing them access to your heart.
In the family of God, Christians are called to welcome one another — even those with whom we disagree.
Why? Because God accepts them, just as he accepts us. Based on our mutual faith in Christ, we stand accepted by our Father. He has granted us access to his heart and lavished us with his favor. He is the One who helps us stand strong in our faith, and he is the One to whom we will give account.
While we may naturally gravitate to those with similar viewpoints, God calls us to live with an open heart toward those who view life differently.
5. Confidence
Relating to one another with acceptance, however, doesn’t mean our differences are unimportant. It doesn’t excuse sin that should be confronted or negate the need for sound doctrine and healthy boundaries. It doesn’t minimize personal conviction or call us to simply conform to the beliefs of those around us.
On the contrary, Romans 14:5 instructs us to be fully convinced in our own minds that what we believe is true. God calls us to study his Word, seek his heart, and allow his Spirit to teach us. As he guides us in forming convictions, we’ll learn to live out our faith with confidence and to share our beliefs with grace.
Differences are a necessary part of life. Jesus made it clear that he came to present people with a choice to either accept or reject him by faith. As Christians, we won’t always agree with those who don’t know him. God calls us to relate to non-believers with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15-16).
Within the family of faith, differences of belief are also unavoidable. Denominations exist because, as we study his Word, we Christians land in different places on secondary and tertiary issues. This can be a beautiful thing. We can learn from one other and grow in grace as we remember what we hold in common and allow space for what we see differently.
Our Source of Unity
As is true with every quality God calls us to practice, these heart attitudes can only grow in us through connection with God’s Spirit. Rather than demanding we perform them for him, he calls us to receive them from him.
His Spirit is our Source. Whenever we see in ourselves a lack of humility, curiosity, respect, open-heartedness, or confidence, God beckons us to bring our wrong attitudes into his light. To turn from our lack to his abundance. To allow his Spirit to renew our minds so our attitudes and actions can change as a result. As he does this, we’ll become more and more like him.
The God who calls us to “Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace” (Ephesians 4:3) will teach us how to “be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude” (1 Peter 3:8).
The following quote has been variously attributed to St. Augustine, John Wesley, and others. But regardless of who said it, it sums up our Christian calling well:
“In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.”
As we walk with God and allow him to form his character in our lives, may he use us to promote harmony among the people he loves.
This article originally appeared at Bible Study Tools on 12/16/2024.
“God has a plan so everything’s going to work out.”
“Just give it to Jesus and count your blessings.”
“Keep praying and reading your Bible.”
If you’ve spent much time in Christian circles, you’ve likely heard phrases like these. Maybe, like me, you’ve even spoken them. They’re often well intentioned — our best attempts to help a struggling friend (or ourselves) cope with pain and hold onto faith. But while they may contain an element of truth, these types of comments have potential to cause great harm.
Psychologists call them spiritual bypassing.
To learn more about spiritual bypassing and 4 ways it harms us, as well as a healthier alternative, join me at Bible Study Tools.
Why should I keep following God when he isn’t answering my prayers?
The unspoken question haunted me. I wished I didn’t feel this way. I told myself I should just keep trusting. For all my trying, though, the uncertainty continued. And with it, accusations against God’s character chipped away at my faith.
God doesn’t really care about you.
He’ll never answer your prayers.
He probably isn’t trustworthy.
With gentleness and grace, God drew near, reminding me he already knew my thoughts. He invited me to bring them into the open. Voice the feelings. Verbalize the doubts. Lay bare my soul before the One who sees me as I am and loves me.
So, I did.
As I poured out my disillusionment and admitted what my head was saying about his heart, I found myself on holy ground. He met me there in a deeply personal way. Rather than bypassing my pain or scolding my lack of faith, he received my questions. With his still, small voice, he asked me a question in return, the same question he’d asked Peter in John 6:67, “Do you want to walk away?”
As I pondered his question, I found myself answering as Peter did, “Where would I go? You have the words of life” (v 68). I remembered the history we’ve shared — how he delivered me from a food addiction as a teenager, how he healed my broken heart as a young adult. I’d tasted of his goodness. I’d experienced his grace. He was as real to me as the people in my own family.
No, I didn’t want to walk away. Despite the pain in my soul, even though he had yet to answer my prayers, he was still the same God. Still loving. Still powerful. Still for me and worthy of my trust.
I left that encounter a different person, not because my circumstances had changed or because he’d promised me they would. On the contrary, he gave me himself. He let me experience his open-hearted welcome, his understanding, and his soul-mending grace.
When our faith is slipping, God offers to be our firm foundation (Isaiah 33:6). He stands ready with open arms to receive us in our brokenness, eager to welcome us home (Luke 15:20). He’ll never reject those who come to him (John 6:37).
If you find yourself in a similar spot, I invite you to make space to pour out your heart before God.
Preparing to Pray
In Genesis 3, God asked Adam and Eve a probing question as they hid from him in the Garden. “But the LORD God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’” (v. 9). With this inquiry, the Creator beckoned them out of the shadows and into his presence. God invites us, too, to ponder the state of our souls.
As you prepare to meet with him, consider the following suggestions:
Go to a quiet place
As a mom with three kids, I know the challenge of finding a spot where I can be alone. This may take some planning and creativity, but if possible, find a location where it’s just you and God.
Turn toward God
I’m so used to living busy that it takes intentionality to be still and turn my soul heavenward. Taking a physical posture can help: kneeling, looking up, raising our hands. Listening to music or being in nature can also focus our hearts on God.
Pay attention to your body
When I press pause and listen to my body, I often recognize emotions I hadn’t yet acknowledged. I notice tense muscles. I sense shallow breathing. I discover my jaw is clenched. These physical reactions provide clues to what’s going on in my soul. God wants to meet with us on this level — at the core of our being, helping us understand what we’re feeling and why, revealing his heart and mending ours along the way.
Pray in ways you personally connect with God
My favorite way to pray is with journal and pen in hand. I love writing out my thoughts and recording what I sense God’s Spirit saying in my heart. I also enjoy prayer walking, especially when I’m experiencing big emotions. How do you most easily connect with God? If you’re not sure, try different methods and see what works best for you.
Here are five prayers to guide you in times of faith crisis.
5 Prayers for When Your Faith Is Slipping
1. When You Have No Words
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness, for we do not know how we should pray, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with inexpressible groanings” (Romans 8:26).
Lord, there’s so much simmering inside me right now, I’m not even sure how to pray. You see what’s going on in my heart. You understand my situation more clearly than I do. How do you want me to pray?
God may impress a specific request or direction for prayer on your heart. If so, talk with him about this. If not, take comfort in knowing his Spirit is praying on your behalf.
You can also use the Psalms as a springboard for your prayers, personalizing them as if you were the one penning them. For example, based on Psalm 23, I would pray something like this:
Lord, you are my Shepherd, the One who meets my needs. Please feed my soul and give my heart rest. Make me like a sheep grazing in open pasture beside a quiet brook. Renew my strength and guide me. I want to honor you. Right now, Lord, I feel like I’m walking through a dark valley. Please silence the fear clawing at my soul. Help me sense your nearness. Protect, comfort, and care for me. Thank you for your ever-present goodness and mercy. Please quiet my heart with your love.
2. When Emotions, Questions, and Doubts Overwhelm
“Pour out your hearts before him! God is our shelter!” (Psalm 62:8b).
God, I feel __________ (list your emotions.) Please help me understand these emotions and why I’m feeling them. Show me what’s going on beneath the surface. I don’t understand __________ (list your questions.) Help me see my situation from your perspective. I’m struggling to believe __________ (list your doubts about his character or his Word.) Reveal the facet of your character I most need to experience right now. Thank you for receiving me, for not pushing me away to fix my own problems.
The Bible describes God as siting on “the throne of grace” (Hebrews 4:16). Jesus threw open the door to his presence and he beckons the needy to draw near (Mark 15:37-38). We can approach him with confidence, knowing he wants to listen to our hearts and reveal his.
3. When You Need God to Intervene
“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life” (Philippians 4:6, The Message).
Lord, you are a kind Father who wants to give good gifts to your children. I have some pretty big needs right now. I ask you to work in my heart (Romans 12:2). Where there’s doubt, give me faith. Where there’s anger, grant me forgiveness. Where there’s anxiety, let me know your peace. Where there’s disillusionment, impart hope. Where there’s brokenness, bring your healing.
Please work in my circumstances, too. I need you to move__________ (list your specific requests). Provide for my needs. Reconcile wounded relationships. Allow me to experience both your mighty power and your tender care (2 Chronicles 16:9, Psalm 139:3).
When Jesus instructs us to ask, seek, and knock, he bases this invitation on the generous heart of our Father (Matthew 7:7-11). When he tells us not to worry, he reasons that our Father wants to take care of us (Matthew 6:25-34). Because our God loves us, we can ask him for whatever we need.
4. When You Feel Alone
“A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
Father, I pray for community. Please surround me with people who can help bear the burdens I’m carrying (Galatians 6:2). Send people into my life who’ve walked a similar path. Use your children to speak grace and truth into my circumstances. Provide healers to help me walk toward wholeness. Give me vision for how I’ll be able to do the same for others.
God works relationally, often through the hands and feet of his people. Those who’ve met God in their own struggles are equipped to help others meet him there, too. Ask God to show you how you can seek out this kind of community.
5. When You’re Choosing to Trust
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God” (Psalm 42:5).
Thank you, God, for welcoming me as I am. Thank you for how you’ve met with me in my struggle. I long for you to change my circumstances, but I choose to believe you’re trustworthy, even if you don’t answer the way I’m asking you to. “I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief” (Mark 9:24).
When our faith is fragile, God beckons us close. He invites us to process what we’re thinking and feeling with him, to experience his nearness, and to allow him to heal and strengthen our souls.
What pictures come to mind when you hear the word gentle? A soft breeze? A kid-friendly pet? A woman known for her kindness?
While these images capture some of the word’s meaning, the Bible portrays gentleness in a more audacious way than we tend to assume. For Christians called to “put on hearts of gentleness” (Colossians 3:12), it’s important we understand how the Bible uses this word.
Gentleness Starts with Jesus
God calls us to be gentle because he is gentle. He is our starting point. When we experience his gentleness toward us, we learn how he intends this quality to flourish in our lives.
The same is true of all the fruits of the Spirit. We’re called to live in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control because that’s who God is (Galatians 5:21-22). These are the fruits of the Spirit because they describe the Holy Spirit’s character. As our hearts become more like his, his fruit naturally grows within us.
The best place to see what God’s gentleness looks like is in the life of Jesus. Hebrews 1:3 explains that Jesus “radiates God’s own glory and expresses the very character of God…” In him, gentleness plays out in the nitty-gritty of everyday life.
Yet sometimes Jesus’ story is confusing. We can easily see his gentleness when he stood silent before his accusers, or when he rode into Jerusalem on a donkey instead of a war horse. But what about when he called the religious leaders a “brood of vipers” or drove the money changers out of the temple with a whip (Matthew 27:12-14, 21:4-5, 12: 34-35, John 2:15-17)?
This confusion highlights several myths we often assume about gentleness.
Myth 1: Gentleness Makes Me a Doormat
In English, the word gentleness sometimes carries the connotation of timidity. In fact, some versions of our English Bible translate the word as meekness, which sounds a lot like weakness — especially when used in common expressions like “meek as a lamb.”
This can lead us to wonder, if I choose to cultivate gentleness, am I giving up my voice? Does it look like a lack of passion, preference, or ambition?
Gentleness in Jesus’ Life
Our gentle, humble Jesus was anything but a doormat. While he washed the feet of his betrayer and sometimes chose to be silent, he had no problem setting boundaries or speaking his mind. No human controlled what he said or what he did.
And he didn’t simply act gentle when he walked our planet. He described his very heart as gentle (Matthew 11:29).
Jesus, at the core of his being, is gentle.
This has always been God’s heart — even in the Old Testament. The psalmist David praised God saying, “You have also given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand upholds me; and your gentleness makes me great” (Psalm 18:35).
Because God’s character is consistent (Malachi 3:6), every one of Jesus’ actions flowed from his gentle heart. He was gentle when he allowed himself to be “crushed for our sins” at the cross (Isaiah 53:5). And he was gentle when he tossed the greedy money changers out of his Father’s house.
Gentleness, according to Jesus, is controlled strength.
One commentary defines this fruit of the Spirit as “the right blend of force and reserve. [It] avoids unnecessary harshness, yet without compromising or without being too slow to use necessary force.” Ray Stedman write it is “real strength, but it does not have to display itself or show off how strong it is. This is what our Lord beautifully displayed [when] he described himself as ‘meek and lowly in heart.’”
Through Jesus’ example, we see that God’s kind of gentleness expresses itself in both silence and boldness. As we listen to his Spirit, resting in his gentleness and allowing him to direct and empower us, we’ll learn to:
– Entrust ourselves to God as our Defender
– Treat others (and ourselves) with kindness and respect
– Speak the truth in love
– Uphold wise personal boundaries
– Handle conflict constructively
Myth 2: Gentleness Is Just for Women
As a woman who’s spent my life in Christian circles, I know 1 Peter 3:3-4 like I know my own name. In fact, these verses used to form my primary framework for understanding God’s call to gentleness — “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God” (NLT).
So, is gentleness just for women then?
Gentleness in Jesus’ Life
When God took on flesh, he came to us as a man — still fully God, now also fully human. By his own description, as well as his interactions with people, Jesus revealed his gentle heart. If God the Son is characterized by gentleness, it can’t possibly be a quality he intends primarily for women.
It’s also interesting to note that 1 Peter 3:4 (above) is the only instance where the call to gentleness is specifically given to women. In other passages, Christians in general (or church leaders) are called to exemplify this quality.
“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted” (Galatians 6:1).
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2).
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12).
Gentleness is God’s desire for all who follow Jesus.
Myth 3: Gentleness Comes Naturally to Some People
I used to think I had gentleness down pat. As a naturally quiet, non-confrontational person, I assumed gentleness was just part of my personality. The more I study the Bible, though, the more I realize no one is naturally gentle.
Marg Mowczko says being “gentle has nothing to do with being shy, demure, passive, or weak. Rather, it involves both self-control and humility when dealing with others. It also involves cooperating with the work of the Holy Spirit.”
For both strong and subdued personalities, true gentleness is a work of God’s grace. HELPS Word-studies explains that Biblical gentleness “is the fruit (product) of the Holy Spirit…It is never something humanly accomplished (or simply biological).”
Gentleness in Jesus’ Life
In a mystery that’s hard to comprehend, Jesus modeled the same dependance on God to which he calls each of us.
“So Jesus explained, ‘I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself. He does only what he sees the Father doing. Whatever the Father does, the Son also does’” (John 5:19).
He sought the Father’s guidance through prayer. He yielded to the Father’s will in the Garden of Gethsemane. He spoke what he heard from the Father and was quiet when the Father wanted him to be silent.
In his humanity, Jesus relied on God to guide his life and ministry.
In a similar way, he calls us to cooperate with the work of his indwelling Spirit. For every personality type – introverts and extroverts – the Holy Spirit alone can cultivate gentleness in our hearts and live out his gentle strength through us.
Myth 4: Gentleness Is the Opposite of Anger
It’s easy to think of anger as evil, to assume we should never feel upset at the people or circumstances around us. Yet Ephesians 4:26 teaches us it’s possible to be angry without sinning: “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
The feeling of anger is not sinful. Like all other emotions, it is simply part of being human, of bearing the image of a God who also experiences emotion.
When boundaries are crossed or promises are broken, when disappointments mount or dreams die, when conflicts sabotage our well-laid plans, it’s natural for us to feel angry. Anger is not the opposite of gentleness.
In fact, gentleness is “the middle course in being angry, standing between two extremes, getting angry without reason and not getting angry at all. Therefore, [gentleness] is getting angry at the right time, in the right measure, and for the right reason” (Lexical Aids to the New Testament in the Key Word Study Bible).
Gentleness in Jesus’ Life
Jesus expressed anger when he walked our planet. Once, he called certain people “faithless and corrupt,” and then asked, “How long must I put up with you?” (Matthew 17:17).
Another time, while his critics watched for a reason to condemn him, Jesus “looked around at them in anger and [was] deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts” (Mark 3:5a). After reading the situation, he performed the very miracle they hoped he’d do. He didn’t fear their hatred, and he didn’t hate them back. Instead “…He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly” (1 Peter 2:23b).
With a gentle heart, Jesus lived out “the middle course in being angry.” And he’s willing, through his Spirit, to teach us to do the same.
He invites us to process our emotions with him. In prayer, we can name our feelings, express our anger to him, and tell him exactly what’s going through our minds. Then in the silence that follows, he calls us to listen for his still, small voice speaking in our hearts—helping us sort out our emotions, renewing our minds with his perspective, and teaching us to live gently in each situation we face.
The Heart of Gentleness
Gentleness begins on the inside, as “an inwrought grace of the soul” (Blue Letter Bible). It takes shape deep within as we experience God’s gentleness in our own lives. When he surprises us with tenderness and compassion, our soul’s hard places begin to soften. Trust takes root as God teaches us that he’s for us. Our God-given identity starts to push out the need to prove or defend ourselves. Humility grows in place of self-centeredness.
This inwrought grace has a profound impact on our relationships — first with God, then with ourselves and those around us:
With God, gentleness teaches us to walk by faith. It helps us entrust ourselves to him when we’re wronged. It enables us to rest in the assurance that he’s always working for our good. It strengthens us to rely on his Spirit when he calls us to be bold.
Gentleness teaches us to live relationally with him.
With ourselves, gentleness loosens the shackles of self-preoccupation. Because God defines and takes care of us, we can trust him to meet our needs. We can learn to be patient and gracious with ourselves, because that’s how God treats us. We can let go of people-pleasing and people-using, because we trust the heart of God.
Gentleness gives rest to our souls.
With others, gentleness enables us to honor the image of God in every person we encounter. It leads us to be considerate and reasonable, to seek the well-being of the other person and relate to them with respect, even if they don’t treat us the same way. Gentleness sees the bigger picture — that God loves the people around us as much as he loves us, and he’s weaving redemption into every situation we face.
Gentleness enables us to treat others the way we’d like to be treated.
A gentle heart reflects the heart of God. As we rest in his gentleness toward us, our lives will grow in gentleness as well.
This article originally appeared on Bible Study Tools, 7/22/2025: https://www.biblestudytools.com/slideshows/4-myths-about-gentleness-you-may-be-falling-for.html
Applause erupted as our daughter stood to receive her third award of the evening. She beamed with excitement while walking on stage. I listened to the praise of both her teachers and peers. My heart swelled with joy. Their words confirmed what I already knew—she’s an incredible kid.
At the same time, I ached for her brother, who received no awards that night. He’s an amazing kid, too. He did well in his classes, and his kind, fun-loving personality won him many friends. Still, he took home no awards.
Oh, the depth of conflicting emotions a parent’s heart can hold in the same moment.
On the way home, our son commented, “I wonder why I didn’t get any awards.” I turned in the front passenger seat and looked at him with compassion. I’ve experienced these gut-wrenching feelings before, too. I know what it’s like to anticipate affirmation and come away disappointed. I know how hard it is to celebrate with a friend while trying to mask my own pain.
How can we help our kids deal with rejection? Here are some thoughts on preparing them for both disappointment and success:
Our children have different talents and gifts.
As we sat in the car that night, we reminisced about swim team last summer when our son was the one winning the awards. His sister won some, too. But that night, he excelled.
God created each of our kids with unique abilities and individual talents. Faithfulness in using our gifts is more valuable than receiving the applause of others. God sees our hard work, our diligence, and our perseverance—even when others don’t.
God gives us value and identity.
Our son builds amazing Lego creations. He draws detailed bridges. He memorizes facts and Bible verses easily. But none of these abilities define him. They don’t give him his worth any more than his struggles diminish his worth.
Our kids have intrinsic value simply because God made them in His image. No other creature has received such a gift. The praise or criticism of people can’t change the reality of who they are. The Creator of the universe deeply loves them, wants them, and delights in them. He died to make a way for them to be close to Him.
Jesus understands rejection.
In becoming human, Jesus showed us the heart of God. He spent His days loving, healing, teaching—pouring Himself out for those He created. In the end, they rejected Him. They falsely accused Him, spit on Him, beat Him, and ultimately crucified Him.
He gets rejection.
His heart goes out to our kids when they are overlooked. He invites them to tell him all about their feelings—not just the pretty ones, but the raw, unfiltered emotions, too. He understands. This place of vulnerability can be the very spot where they encounter God. He’s able to comfort them, heal their wounds, and bring beauty out of their pain.
“I’d choose you.”
When I was young, my mom read a book to me entitled I’d Choose You by John Trent. In this story, a mother elephant describes several scenarios in which she would choose her own son over any other child, no matter who performed best.
I long for my kids to possess a deep confidence that even if another person does something better than they do, I would still choose them—simply because they’re mine. They are loved and treasured, just as they are.
Rejoice with those who rejoice.
Our kids enjoy cheering on their friends, whether it’s an awards ceremony or a swim meet. It’s fun to watch the success of those we love.
It can be difficult to rejoice, though, when someone else’s triumph means our loss. Choosing to celebrate our friends’ or siblings’ achievements develops humility and strengthens friendships.
We can help our kids grow in this by praying with them—leading them in telling God about their feelings and asking for his joy. Then, together, we can take a practical step toward celebration— telling their sibling, “I’m proud of you,” writing a “Congratulations” card, or sending a “Way to go” text. Finally, we can affirm them and reinforce the good character they’ve just displayed by expressing how proud we are of them.
Define true success.
I’ll never forget the day a teacher pulled me aside to talk about a recent incident in P.E. One of the boys was struggling with an activity. Our son noticed and took it upon himself to help this boy, staying by his side as they played the game.
Hearing this brought happy tears to my eyes. I rejoiced in our son’s compassion displayed that day.
“The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love” (Galatians 5:6b). God looks at our kids’ hearts. He values faith and love. He honors integrity and good character. Our kids need to know we do, too.
If we look to good grades or achievement as the measure of success, we’re setting our children up for future problems. Some may be tempted to cheat their way to a good report card. Others may define themselves by their scores—being devastated by poor grades or conceited by good ones.
Our kids need to know that while their grades matter and we’ll celebrate good ones together, report cards exist mainly to show us where there’s room for improvement. A poor grade can indicate the need to devote extra time to a subject or approach it differently. It may point out room for personal growth in diligence, perseverance, or attentiveness. Sometimes, it can even alert us to a possible learning difficulty or disorder.
True success is measured not by an award or the grade on a test but by what’s in the heart.
Rejection affects all of us. Our kids will be overlooked, left out, or even shunned. When this happens, we have the priceless opportunity of pointing them to Jesus and helping them grow stronger and more empathetic through the pain.
Let’s take every opportunity to affirm our children. Let’s instruct them in true success, the beauty of faith, and the value of integrity. The worth of these things will last for eternity.
This article originally appeared on Crosswalk, 03/05/2024:
