Have you ever felt guilty about experiencing anxiety?
If you read the Bible often or spend a lot of time in the church, you’re probably familiar with verses like this one: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done”(Philippians 4:6).
It’s easy to read this and feel ashamed whenever anxiety hijacks our hearts. This shame can cause us to pull away from the God who is our peace. It can lead us to deny our struggle, suppress our concerns, or just try harder to stop worrying — as if we could overcome our inner turmoil by the sheer force of our will.
God calls us to something far more holistic and relational.
As humans made in his image, we’re emotional beings like the Creator we reflect. Scripture reveals a God who experiences a range of emotions. He’s not disappointed by the big feelings we face. In fact, when we carry personal concerns, experience life crises, or encounter the world’s brokenness, it’s natural to feel deeply troubled. To not feel this turmoil would not be human.
As someone who’s dealt with more than a little worry in my life, even needing anti-anxiety medication during especially difficult seasons, this topic lives close to my heart. I want to walk faithfully with God and practice wise mental health habits.
Is it possible to do both?
Scripture reveals that it is. Let’s do a deep dive into God’s Word and discover a healthy framework for tending to our inner and outer lives.
First, however, it’s important to acknowledge that not all anxiety is created equal.
The lyrics to the church worship song fell flat on my heavy heart. With my mind, I trust in the goodness of God — it’s one of my deepest core beliefs. But that day, my emotions were a tangled mess of confusion, grief, and anger as I walked through a very painful season.
“God, this doesn’t feel good. I’m struggling to sing these words today.” I wanted to keep believing he’s good, but clinging to hope when the future looked bleak took some serious wrestling with God.
Hold it together. Don’t bawl in front of everyone. You did that last week, surely you can keep your composure this week. I wish I had a tissue.
Suddenly, I felt a friend standing next to me. She put her arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a welcomed hug. From where she sat two rows behind me, she’d noticed my struggle. Maybe it was the way I kept dabbing at my eyes as I tried to be discreet. Maybe it was my hunched shoulders, tense with bottled-up emotions. Somehow, she noticed me hurting and didn’t want me to stand there alone.
A minute later, a second friend put her arm around me from the other side. Then I felt a hand on my back from someone in the row behind me.
The dam broke. The tears flowed. Sobs shook my body. And my friends stayed right by my side. They didn’t care that I fell apart. They just wanted me to know I wasn’t alone.
As we stood there, God’s Spirit whispered silently to my soul. I do love you, even though circumstances are hard. I am good, even when life is not. You’re surrounded by mercy.
And quite literally, I was.
As someone whose story is riddled with religious trauma, leaning into church life can be a challenge for me. But through this beautiful community we call our church home, I’m learning how God invites us to walk together through suffering.
Beware of Spiritual Bypassing
One of the greatest hindrances to helping our hurting friends is the practice of spiritual bypassing. Psychotherapist Dr. Alison Cook explains that spiritual bypassing is “using spiritual concepts, platitudes, or spiritual language to bypass or over-spiritualize the real struggles that we face.” It shortcuts the deep work God wants to do in our hearts by offering a quick-fix, a mind-over-matter solution, a focus on performance rather than a process of inner renewal.
Regrettably, I’ve been guilty of spiritual bypassing on many occasions. In response to someone’s painful story, I’ve quoted Bible verses, offered simplistic solutions, or evaded my own discomfort by promising to pray for them, then walking away. (And I may or may not have remembered to pray.) Sometimes I’ve even patted myself on the back afterwards, congratulating myself for “sharing the truth.”
In reality, though, my help was not helpful.
In a previous article, we looked at ways spiritual bypassing harms people — misrepresenting God’s heart, hindering authentic connection, causing us to feel unknown, and ignoring the whole person. In that article, we explored how to avoid this on a personal level. Today, let’s focus on the broader picture of avoiding spiritual bypassing in our communities.
For seven ways we can offer life-giving support, hop over to Bible Study Tools.
“God has a plan so everything’s going to work out.”
“Just give it to Jesus and count your blessings.”
“Keep praying and reading your Bible.”
If you’ve spent much time in Christian circles, you’ve likely heard phrases like these. Maybe, like me, you’ve even spoken them. They’re often well intentioned — our best attempts to help a struggling friend (or ourselves) cope with pain and hold onto faith. But while they may contain an element of truth, these types of comments have potential to cause great harm.
Psychologists call them spiritual bypassing.
What Is Spiritual Bypassing?
As Christians, we know God calls us to “Consider it all joy … when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces perseverance” (James 1:2-3). Jesus predicted that “In this world you will have trouble,” adding the encouragement to “Take heart! [He has] overcome the world” (John 16:33). The apostle Paul instructed us, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done” (Philippians 4:6).
God intends for these Scriptures to be lifegiving. Through them, he reminds us of the bigger picture — that this world is not our home, that justice and truth will triumph in the end, that our loving Father is personally involved in each situation we face. He’s actively working for our good, redeeming our suffering and making all things new (Revelation 21:5).
Too often, however, we use these verses and others in damaging ways, instead of receiving the healing they offer. We forget about the process. We believe God wants white-knuckled obedience more than anything else. We take what he meant for good and use it to spiritually bypass the deep work he wants to do in our hearts.
“Spiritual bypassing is when a person uses Scripture, religious concepts or ideals, and spiritual mantras to ‘bypass’ the effects of a negative experience out of a desire to ease their pain…,” explains Peridot Gilbert-Reed in a Christianity Todayarticle.
This practice isn’t new, nor is it unique to Christianity. The term was coined by a Buddhist psychotherapist in the 1980’s. He defined it as a “tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.”
While people of any faith can fall into spiritual bypassing, Christians are especially prone to this escape mechanism.
It shows up in our conversations when we admit we’re struggling, but end on a positive note about how God’s still good all the time, though secretly we’re doubting it’s true. It’s in our worship songs when we only focus on the positive, as if every situation has a happily-ever-after ending. It sneaks into our living rooms when we listen to a family member’s pain and respond with a pat warning not to get angry at God.
We mean well. Maybe we even think the Lord requires this of us — to will ourselves to trust, to combat doubt by quoting Scripture verses, to overcome worry by the sheer force of our will.
Yet God calls us to something far more transformative.
In Psalm 51:6, we discover his desire for each of his beloved children. “Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.” In the deepest part of our souls, that place where our subconscious, emotional beliefs reside – this is where our Father wants to teach us his ways.
When we embrace spiritual bypassing, we short-circuit the redemptive work God invites us to lean into, hurting ourselves and others in the process.
4 Ways Spiritual Bypassing Harms Us
Spiritual bypassing may sound pious on the surface, but it often undermines the faith it claims to champion. It offers a “quick fix,” yet it comes with a high price tag.
1. Spiritual Bypassing Misrepresents God’s Heart
Throughout Scripture, we discover a multifaceted God. He describes himself as “the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished…” (Exodus 34:6-7). He invites his children to come to his “throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:16). He promises “whoever comes to me I will never drive away” (John 6:37).
Spiritual bypassing paints a drastically different picture. It presents God as unrelatable when it calls us to simply try harder. It suggests his heart is callous when it demands we bury our pain. It implies he’s impersonal when it urges performance over relationship. It portrays him as easily angered when it condemns our doubts and silences our questions.
Spiritual bypassing prevents us from truly experiencing our Father’s heart.
2. Spiritual Bypassing Hinders Authentic Connection with God
Jesus taught his disciples that life is found in knowing God (John 17:3). His Spirit is our source of vitality, refreshment, healing, fruitfulness, and everything else that is good. We receive these blessings through our relationship with him.
Yet spiritual bypassing hinders us from connecting authentically with him. When we suppress our emotions, we avoid the healing and fresh perspective that comes from processing our interior life with God. When we try to reason away our doubts, we settle for human logic instead of listening for his Spirit’s still, small voice. When we minimize our pain, we forfeit the opportunity to experience the tenderness and compassion of Christ.
Spiritual bypassing leads us to settle for shallow faith.
3. Spiritual Bypassing Causes Us to Feel Unknown
Ours is a relational God. From eternity, each member of the Trinity has existed in perfect harmony with the Others. He made us for relationship, too — with him and with each other.
Spiritual bypassing undermines our need to know and be known — by God, by others, even by ourselves. When we bypass how we’re really feeling, we’re left to struggle alone. When we present only the positive aspects of our lives, we portray a false image that holds others at a distance. When we keep questions and doubts to ourselves, we lose the opportunity to hear how others have experienced the Lord in similar situations.
Spiritual bypassing trades connection for isolation.
4. Spiritual Bypassing Ignores the Whole Person
As humans made in the image of God, we are complex creatures. He wove together our bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits with intricate beauty. Each part of our humanity impacts all the others.
Spiritual bypassing attempts to treat all problems from a solely spiritual perspective:
Has your friend wounded you? Choose to overlook the offence. Just forgive and forget — seventy times seven.
Does anxiety weigh you down, making it hard to function through the day and impossible to sleep at night? Repent of your worry and memorize Bible verses about trusting God.
Has addiction sabotaged your life? Get more accountability and let shame drive you to change.
While it’s true God calls us to forgive, to cast our cares on him, and to live by his Spirit rather than addiction, holistic wisdom makes room for other solutions as well. God often uses therapists, doctors, medication, and recovery programs — along with spiritual leaders — to grow us in wholeness and maturity.
Spiritual bypassing neglects whole-person care.
A Healthier Alternative
Far better than spiritual bypassing is the practice of embodied faith. Embodied faith, explains Dr. Alison Cook, is “a faith that includes our hands, our feet, our nervous systems, our mind, our emotions. It’s holistic.” Personal embodied faith pays attention to what’s going on within us and uses our observations as a starting point for conversations with God’s Spirit.
King David modeled this throughout the Psalms. (See Psalm 6, 31, 38, 39, 88.) The book of Job vividly describes the pain that ravaged Job, body and soul, and it records his honest conversations with God about his suffering.
For believers living on this side of the cross, embodied faith acknowledges that our bodies are God’s temples. It welcomes his presence in our whole person, inviting him into every closet and corner of our souls. It recognizes that here, in the deepest part of our being, the Holy Spirit does his most profound work.
I’m learning that faith this real, this raw, takes practice. It requires us to make space for silence, time for process, and room for mystery. It calls us to live with curiosity, gentleness, humility, patience, and authenticity.
For me, cultivating embodied faith often begins in quiet moments alone with the Lord, using something my counselor friends call a “body scan.” From head to toe, I notice symptoms I feel on a physical level. With pen and journal in hand, I ask God, “Where do you find me today?” and I take note of what I observe. I talk with him about why I’m feeling the tension, the pain, the restlessness, etc. In prayer, I process the emotions underlying those bodily symptoms. Then I listen for anything his silent voice may want to reveal to my heart. He often points out deeper issues of the soul — unmet needs, unhealed wounds, burning questions, beliefs in crisis, misunderstandings about his character…
Sometimes in this process, the Holy Spirit leads me to parts of Scripture that relate to what I’m experiencing. Other times, he reminds me of an article I saved to read later, or he prompts me to reach out for a friend’s perspective or a professional’s expertise. Sometimes he’s simply present with me as I pour out my heart, allowing me to experience the comfort of his closeness and the healing power of his love.
Embodied Faith in Community
Embodied faith helps us live out James 1:19: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
As we practice personal embodied faith, we grow in our capacity to help others do the same. We learn to recognize spiritual bypassing and avoid using it in conversations with our friends and loved ones. We become better active listeners. We relate with compassion, humility, and wisdom gleaned from our own experience with Christ. Through embodied faith, we more accurately represent the God who welcomes each of us into a deep, authentic relationship with himself.
The Christian life isn’t about bypassing our struggles, ignoring our pain, or fixing ourselves for God. On the contrary, it’s about bringing ourselves, our whole selves, to the One who loves us dearly. It’s about receiving from, resting in, and responding to His Spirit. As we do this, we’ll find that God meets us at the intersection between real life and real faith.
This post was originally published on 4/24/2025 at Bible Study Tools.
I puzzled at the early morning text. Why is my friend asking if we’re safe?
A text from my neighbor clued me in. “A pine tree fell and damaged your shed and maybe your house.”
My oldest daughter and I were out of the state for a college preview when I received these messages. I had no idea our family back home was in danger. We’d heard hurricane Helene was coming, but we live hundreds of miles from Florida. Our schools had closed, but we assumed it was just a precautionary measure.
I needed to call my family.
Relief washed over me when I heard my husband’s voice. “We’re safe. We’ve been camped out in the hallway for the past several hours.”
He went on to describe a storm unlike anything we’d ever experienced. The wind was so fierce they could feel it in the house with the doors and windows closed. Rainwater came into the living room because the storm blew it under the windowsills. A tree fell on my husband’s car, but thankfully none landed on our house.
My daughter and I finally made it home after several GPS reroutes, and tears filled my eyes as I drove into our city. Billboards stripped of their ads. The side of a building lying on the ground next to a tangle of broken power lines. Cars crushed and houses cut in half by massive fallen pines.
Never had I witnessed such devastation. Oh, I’d seen pictures and videos of hurricane damage before. But this was my city. These were my neighbors. That was our car.
In the days that followed, I experienced a jumble of emotions. Grief for my friends over what they’d lost. Relief that we hadn’t lost much. Guilt over feeling such relief. Shame for being sad and anxious when others had it worse. Gratitude for the hundreds of different ways our community banded together to show love.
As I processed all these feelings in prayer, I sensed God’s Spirit saying to mine, Look for what is constant and anchor yourself there.
Life’s storms will come, both the physical and the metaphorical ones, but I’m thankful God’s heart never changes. In the wake of our storms, we can anchor ourselves to who he is and lean into his gracious presence.
Here are four qualities of God I’m holding onto as we recover from hurricane Helene:
1. God Is Welcoming
“So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most” (Hebrews 4:16).
“Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge” (Psalm 62:8).
Jesus understands the pain of living in a world that breaks our hearts (Hebrews 4:14-16). He felt anger and sadness, as well as joy, when he walked our planet (Mark 3:5, John 11:35, Luke 10:21). He invites us to bring our whole selves into his presence.
Pour out our hearts.
Describe our emotions.
Bring our questions into the light.
For me, meeting with God in this vulnerable place brings deep healing and renewal. I experience him as my safety, a refuge from all that rages on the outside. I hear his inaudible voice deep within my soul. I gain new perspective on my situation, as well a fresh understanding of his heart.
2. God Is Compassionate
“Jesus saw the huge crowd as he stepped from the boat, and he had compassion on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things” (Mark 6:34).
Earlier in this passage, Mark explains that Jesus and his disciples were weary. Ministry kept them so busy they didn’t even have time to eat. Also, Jesus had just received word of his cousin John’s martyrdom. Jesus announced it was time for a break as he led his disciples away on a retreat. But the crowds saw where he was headed. They rushed to meet him there. Despite his own exhaustion and grief, Jesus saw them with compassion and lavished them with loving care.
God’s heart is full of kindness and grace. He moves toward us, not away from us, in our need. When we bring him our weary, wounded souls, he meets us with compassion.
3. God Is Present
“[King Nebuchadnezzar] said, ‘Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods’” (Daniel 3:25).
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).
When we feel we’re drowning in deep waters, he is Emmanuel,God with us. When life seems like one fiery trial after another, the Son of God stands beside us in the flames. When we’re overwhelmed and exhausted from carrying burdens, he’s the gentle, humble Savior who offers rest for our souls (Matthew 11:28-30).
He’s with us in the storm. He’s with us in its wake. He’s with us in the rubble. And he’s with us in the rebuilding.
Even when the darkness tries to convince us otherwise, our God is always with us.
4. God Is Our Source
“And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).
“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5).
Storms have a way of reminding us of our humanity. They can leave us feeling powerless and empty, anxious about the future and unsure how to move forward. In our time of need, God calls us close. He longs to lavish upon us the riches of his heart and the provision of heaven’s resources.
His Spirit is the Source of all we need. He invites us to trade our anxiety for his peace by talking with him about our concerns (Philippians 4:6-7).
Do you have physical needs? Bring them to the One who fed the 5,000 with two fish and five loaves of bread (Matthew 14).
Are you desperate for direction, in need of hope and heaven’s perspective? Talk to the One who holds all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge (Colossians 2:3).
Do you long to help others heal, but feel you have nothing left to give? Let Jesus fill you with his love and strength until it overflows in practical ways to those around you (John 13:34).
Like the wise man who built his house on the rock, may we anchor ourselves to God’s faithfulness in every storm.
Why should I keep following God when he isn’t answering my prayers?
The unspoken question haunted me. I wished I didn’t feel this way. I told myself I should just keep trusting. For all my trying, though, the uncertainty continued. And with it, accusations against God’s character chipped away at my faith.
God doesn’t really care about you.
He’ll never answer your prayers.
He probably isn’t trustworthy.
With gentleness and grace, God drew near, reminding me he already knew my thoughts. He invited me to bring them into the open. Voice the feelings. Verbalize the doubts. Lay bare my soul before the One who sees me as I am and loves me.
So, I did.
As I poured out my disillusionment and admitted what my head was saying about his heart, I found myself on holy ground. He met me there in a deeply personal way. Rather than bypassing my pain or scolding my lack of faith, he received my questions. With his still, small voice, he asked me a question in return, the same question he’d asked Peter in John 6:67, “Do you want to walk away?”
As I pondered his question, I found myself answering as Peter did, “Where would I go? You have the words of life” (v 68). I remembered the history we’ve shared — how he delivered me from a food addiction as a teenager, how he healed my broken heart as a young adult. I’d tasted of his goodness. I’d experienced his grace. He was as real to me as the people in my own family.
No, I didn’t want to walk away. Despite the pain in my soul, even though he had yet to answer my prayers, he was still the same God. Still loving. Still powerful. Still for me and worthy of my trust.
I left that encounter a different person, not because my circumstances had changed or because he’d promised me they would. On the contrary, he gave me himself. He let me experience his open-hearted welcome, his understanding, and his soul-mending grace.
When our faith is slipping, God offers to be our firm foundation (Isaiah 33:6). He stands ready with open arms to receive us in our brokenness, eager to welcome us home (Luke 15:20). He’ll never reject those who come to him (John 6:37).
If you find yourself in a similar spot, I invite you to make space to pour out your heart before God.
Preparing to Pray
In Genesis 3, God asked Adam and Eve a probing question as they hid from him in the Garden. “But the LORD God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’” (v. 9). With this inquiry, the Creator beckoned them out of the shadows and into his presence. God invites us, too, to ponder the state of our souls.
As you prepare to meet with him, consider the following suggestions:
Go to a quiet place
As a mom with three kids, I know the challenge of finding a spot where I can be alone. This may take some planning and creativity, but if possible, find a location where it’s just you and God.
Turn toward God
I’m so used to living busy that it takes intentionality to be still and turn my soul heavenward. Taking a physical posture can help: kneeling, looking up, raising our hands. Listening to music or being in nature can also focus our hearts on God.
Pay attention to your body
When I press pause and listen to my body, I often recognize emotions I hadn’t yet acknowledged. I notice tense muscles. I sense shallow breathing. I discover my jaw is clenched. These physical reactions provide clues to what’s going on in my soul. God wants to meet with us on this level — at the core of our being, helping us understand what we’re feeling and why, revealing his heart and mending ours along the way.
Pray in ways you personally connect with God
My favorite way to pray is with journal and pen in hand. I love writing out my thoughts and recording what I sense God’s Spirit saying in my heart. I also enjoy prayer walking, especially when I’m experiencing big emotions. How do you most easily connect with God? If you’re not sure, try different methods and see what works best for you.
Here are five prayers to guide you in times of faith crisis.
5 Prayers for When Your Faith Is Slipping
1. When You Have No Words
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness, for we do not know how we should pray, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with inexpressible groanings” (Romans 8:26).
Lord, there’s so much simmering inside me right now, I’m not even sure how to pray. You see what’s going on in my heart. You understand my situation more clearly than I do. How do you want me to pray?
God may impress a specific request or direction for prayer on your heart. If so, talk with him about this. If not, take comfort in knowing his Spirit is praying on your behalf.
You can also use the Psalms as a springboard for your prayers, personalizing them as if you were the one penning them. For example, based on Psalm 23, I would pray something like this:
Lord, you are my Shepherd, the One who meets my needs. Please feed my soul and give my heart rest. Make me like a sheep grazing in open pasture beside a quiet brook. Renew my strength and guide me. I want to honor you. Right now, Lord, I feel like I’m walking through a dark valley. Please silence the fear clawing at my soul. Help me sense your nearness. Protect, comfort, and care for me. Thank you for your ever-present goodness and mercy. Please quiet my heart with your love.
2. When Emotions, Questions, and Doubts Overwhelm
“Pour out your hearts before him! God is our shelter!” (Psalm 62:8b).
God, I feel __________ (list your emotions.) Please help me understand these emotions and why I’m feeling them. Show me what’s going on beneath the surface. I don’t understand __________ (list your questions.) Help me see my situation from your perspective. I’m struggling to believe __________ (list your doubts about his character or his Word.) Reveal the facet of your character I most need to experience right now. Thank you for receiving me, for not pushing me away to fix my own problems.
The Bible describes God as siting on “the throne of grace” (Hebrews 4:16). Jesus threw open the door to his presence and he beckons the needy to draw near (Mark 15:37-38). We can approach him with confidence, knowing he wants to listen to our hearts and reveal his.
3. When You Need God to Intervene
“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life” (Philippians 4:6, The Message).
Lord, you are a kind Father who wants to give good gifts to your children. I have some pretty big needs right now. I ask you to work in my heart (Romans 12:2). Where there’s doubt, give me faith. Where there’s anger, grant me forgiveness. Where there’s anxiety, let me know your peace. Where there’s disillusionment, impart hope. Where there’s brokenness, bring your healing.
Please work in my circumstances, too. I need you to move__________ (list your specific requests). Provide for my needs. Reconcile wounded relationships. Allow me to experience both your mighty power and your tender care (2 Chronicles 16:9, Psalm 139:3).
When Jesus instructs us to ask, seek, and knock, he bases this invitation on the generous heart of our Father (Matthew 7:7-11). When he tells us not to worry, he reasons that our Father wants to take care of us (Matthew 6:25-34). Because our God loves us, we can ask him for whatever we need.
4. When You Feel Alone
“A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
Father, I pray for community. Please surround me with people who can help bear the burdens I’m carrying (Galatians 6:2). Send people into my life who’ve walked a similar path. Use your children to speak grace and truth into my circumstances. Provide healers to help me walk toward wholeness. Give me vision for how I’ll be able to do the same for others.
God works relationally, often through the hands and feet of his people. Those who’ve met God in their own struggles are equipped to help others meet him there, too. Ask God to show you how you can seek out this kind of community.
5. When You’re Choosing to Trust
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God” (Psalm 42:5).
Thank you, God, for welcoming me as I am. Thank you for how you’ve met with me in my struggle. I long for you to change my circumstances, but I choose to believe you’re trustworthy, even if you don’t answer the way I’m asking you to. “I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief” (Mark 9:24).
When our faith is fragile, God beckons us close. He invites us to process what we’re thinking and feeling with him, to experience his nearness, and to allow him to heal and strengthen our souls.
What pictures come to mind when you hear the word gentle? A soft breeze? A kid-friendly pet? A woman known for her kindness?
While these images capture some of the word’s meaning, the Bible portrays gentleness in a more audacious way than we tend to assume. For Christians called to “put on hearts of gentleness” (Colossians 3:12), it’s important we understand how the Bible uses this word.
Gentleness Starts with Jesus
God calls us to be gentle because he is gentle. He is our starting point. When we experience his gentleness toward us, we learn how he intends this quality to flourish in our lives.
The same is true of all the fruits of the Spirit. We’re called to live in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control because that’s who God is (Galatians 5:21-22). These are the fruits of the Spirit because they describe the Holy Spirit’s character. As our hearts become more like his, his fruit naturally grows within us.
The best place to see what God’s gentleness looks like is in the life of Jesus. Hebrews 1:3 explains that Jesus “radiates God’s own glory and expresses the very character of God…” In him, gentleness plays out in the nitty-gritty of everyday life.
Yet sometimes Jesus’ story is confusing. We can easily see his gentleness when he stood silent before his accusers, or when he rode into Jerusalem on a donkey instead of a war horse. But what about when he called the religious leaders a “brood of vipers” or drove the money changers out of the temple with a whip (Matthew 27:12-14, 21:4-5, 12: 34-35, John 2:15-17)?
This confusion highlights several myths we often assume about gentleness.
Myth 1: Gentleness Makes Me a Doormat
In English, the word gentleness sometimes carries the connotation of timidity. In fact, some versions of our English Bible translate the word as meekness, which sounds a lot like weakness — especially when used in common expressions like “meek as a lamb.”
This can lead us to wonder, if I choose to cultivate gentleness, am I giving up my voice? Does it look like a lack of passion, preference, or ambition?
Gentleness in Jesus’ Life
Our gentle, humble Jesus was anything but a doormat. While he washed the feet of his betrayer and sometimes chose to be silent, he had no problem setting boundaries or speaking his mind. No human controlled what he said or what he did.
And he didn’t simply act gentle when he walked our planet. He described his very heart as gentle (Matthew 11:29).
Jesus, at the core of his being, is gentle.
This has always been God’s heart — even in the Old Testament. The psalmist David praised God saying, “You have also given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand upholds me; and your gentleness makes me great” (Psalm 18:35).
Because God’s character is consistent (Malachi 3:6), every one of Jesus’ actions flowed from his gentle heart. He was gentle when he allowed himself to be “crushed for our sins” at the cross (Isaiah 53:5). And he was gentle when he tossed the greedy money changers out of his Father’s house.
Gentleness, according to Jesus, is controlled strength.
One commentary defines this fruit of the Spirit as “the right blend of force and reserve. [It] avoids unnecessary harshness, yet without compromising or without being too slow to use necessary force.” Ray Stedman write it is “real strength, but it does not have to display itself or show off how strong it is. This is what our Lord beautifully displayed [when] he described himself as ‘meek and lowly in heart.’”
Through Jesus’ example, we see that God’s kind of gentleness expresses itself in both silence and boldness. As we listen to his Spirit, resting in his gentleness and allowing him to direct and empower us, we’ll learn to:
– Entrust ourselves to God as our Defender
– Treat others (and ourselves) with kindness and respect
– Speak the truth in love
– Uphold wise personal boundaries
– Handle conflict constructively
Myth 2: Gentleness Is Just for Women
As a woman who’s spent my life in Christian circles, I know 1 Peter 3:3-4 like I know my own name. In fact, these verses used to form my primary framework for understanding God’s call to gentleness — “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God” (NLT).
So, is gentleness just for women then?
Gentleness in Jesus’ Life
When God took on flesh, he came to us as a man — still fully God, now also fully human. By his own description, as well as his interactions with people, Jesus revealed his gentle heart. If God the Son is characterized by gentleness, it can’t possibly be a quality he intends primarily for women.
It’s also interesting to note that 1 Peter 3:4 (above) is the only instance where the call to gentleness is specifically given to women. In other passages, Christians in general (or church leaders) are called to exemplify this quality.
“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted” (Galatians 6:1).
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2).
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12).
Gentleness is God’s desire for all who follow Jesus.
Myth 3: Gentleness Comes Naturally to Some People
I used to think I had gentleness down pat. As a naturally quiet, non-confrontational person, I assumed gentleness was just part of my personality. The more I study the Bible, though, the more I realize no one is naturally gentle.
Marg Mowczko says being “gentle has nothing to do with being shy, demure, passive, or weak. Rather, it involves both self-control and humility when dealing with others. It also involves cooperating with the work of the Holy Spirit.”
For both strong and subdued personalities, true gentleness is a work of God’s grace. HELPS Word-studies explains that Biblical gentleness “is the fruit (product) of the Holy Spirit…It is never something humanly accomplished (or simply biological).”
Gentleness in Jesus’ Life
In a mystery that’s hard to comprehend, Jesus modeled the same dependance on God to which he calls each of us.
“So Jesus explained, ‘I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself. He does only what he sees the Father doing. Whatever the Father does, the Son also does’” (John 5:19).
He sought the Father’s guidance through prayer. He yielded to the Father’s will in the Garden of Gethsemane. He spoke what he heard from the Father and was quiet when the Father wanted him to be silent.
In his humanity, Jesus relied on God to guide his life and ministry.
In a similar way, he calls us to cooperate with the work of his indwelling Spirit. For every personality type – introverts and extroverts – the Holy Spirit alone can cultivate gentleness in our hearts and live out his gentle strength through us.
Myth 4: Gentleness Is the Opposite of Anger
It’s easy to think of anger as evil, to assume we should never feel upset at the people or circumstances around us. Yet Ephesians 4:26 teaches us it’s possible to be angry without sinning: “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
The feeling of anger is not sinful. Like all other emotions, it is simply part of being human, of bearing the image of a God who also experiences emotion.
When boundaries are crossed or promises are broken, when disappointments mount or dreams die, when conflicts sabotage our well-laid plans, it’s natural for us to feel angry. Anger is not the opposite of gentleness.
In fact, gentleness is “the middle course in being angry, standing between two extremes, getting angry without reason and not getting angry at all. Therefore, [gentleness] is getting angry at the right time, in the right measure, and for the right reason” (Lexical Aids to the New Testament in the Key Word Study Bible).
Gentleness in Jesus’ Life
Jesus expressed anger when he walked our planet. Once, he called certain people “faithless and corrupt,” and then asked, “How long must I put up with you?” (Matthew 17:17).
Another time, while his critics watched for a reason to condemn him, Jesus “looked around at them in anger and [was] deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts” (Mark 3:5a). After reading the situation, he performed the very miracle they hoped he’d do. He didn’t fear their hatred, and he didn’t hate them back. Instead “…He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly” (1 Peter 2:23b).
With a gentle heart, Jesus lived out “the middle course in being angry.” And he’s willing, through his Spirit, to teach us to do the same.
He invites us to process our emotions with him. In prayer, we can name our feelings, express our anger to him, and tell him exactly what’s going through our minds. Then in the silence that follows, he calls us to listen for his still, small voice speaking in our hearts—helping us sort out our emotions, renewing our minds with his perspective, and teaching us to live gently in each situation we face.
The Heart of Gentleness
Gentleness begins on the inside, as “an inwrought grace of the soul” (Blue Letter Bible). It takes shape deep within as we experience God’s gentleness in our own lives. When he surprises us with tenderness and compassion, our soul’s hard places begin to soften. Trust takes root as God teaches us that he’s for us. Our God-given identity starts to push out the need to prove or defend ourselves. Humility grows in place of self-centeredness.
This inwrought grace has a profound impact on our relationships — first with God, then with ourselves and those around us:
With God, gentleness teaches us to walk by faith. It helps us entrust ourselves to him when we’re wronged. It enables us to rest in the assurance that he’s always working for our good. It strengthens us to rely on his Spirit when he calls us to be bold.
Gentleness teaches us to live relationally with him.
With ourselves, gentleness loosens the shackles of self-preoccupation. Because God defines and takes care of us, we can trust him to meet our needs. We can learn to be patient and gracious with ourselves, because that’s how God treats us. We can let go of people-pleasing and people-using, because we trust the heart of God.
Gentleness gives rest to our souls.
With others, gentleness enables us to honor the image of God in every person we encounter. It leads us to be considerate and reasonable, to seek the well-being of the other person and relate to them with respect, even if they don’t treat us the same way. Gentleness sees the bigger picture — that God loves the people around us as much as he loves us, and he’s weaving redemption into every situation we face.
Gentleness enables us to treat others the way we’d like to be treated.
A gentle heart reflects the heart of God. As we rest in his gentleness toward us, our lives will grow in gentleness as well.
This article originally appeared on Bible Study Tools, 7/22/2025: https://www.biblestudytools.com/slideshows/4-myths-about-gentleness-you-may-be-falling-for.html
