The lyrics to the church worship song fell flat on my heavy heart. With my mind, I trust in the goodness of God — it’s one of my deepest core beliefs. But that day, my emotions were a tangled mess of confusion, grief, and anger as I walked through a very painful season.
“God, this doesn’t feel good. I’m struggling to sing these words today.” I wanted to keep believing he’s good, but clinging to hope when the future looked bleak took some serious wrestling with God.
Hold it together. Don’t bawl in front of everyone. You did that last week, surely you can keep your composure this week. I wish I had a tissue.
Suddenly, I felt a friend standing next to me. She put her arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a welcomed hug. From where she sat two rows behind me, she’d noticed my struggle. Maybe it was the way I kept dabbing at my eyes as I tried to be discreet. Maybe it was my hunched shoulders, tense with bottled-up emotions. Somehow, she noticed me hurting and didn’t want me to stand there alone.
A minute later, a second friend put her arm around me from the other side. Then I felt a hand on my back from someone in the row behind me.
The dam broke. The tears flowed. Sobs shook my body. And my friends stayed right by my side. They didn’t care that I fell apart. They just wanted me to know I wasn’t alone.
As we stood there, God’s Spirit whispered silently to my soul. I do love you, even though circumstances are hard. I am good, even when life is not. You’re surrounded by mercy.
And quite literally, I was.
As someone whose story is riddled with religious trauma, leaning into church life can be a challenge for me. But through this beautiful community we call our church home, I’m learning how God invites us to walk together through suffering.
Beware of Spiritual Bypassing
One of the greatest hindrances to helping our hurting friends is the practice of spiritual bypassing. Psychotherapist Dr. Alison Cook explains that spiritual bypassing is “using spiritual concepts, platitudes, or spiritual language to bypass or over-spiritualize the real struggles that we face.” It shortcuts the deep work God wants to do in our hearts by offering a quick-fix, a mind-over-matter solution, a focus on performance rather than a process of inner renewal.
Regrettably, I’ve been guilty of spiritual bypassing on many occasions. In response to someone’s painful story, I’ve quoted Bible verses, offered simplistic solutions, or evaded my own discomfort by promising to pray for them, then walking away. (And I may or may not have remembered to pray.) Sometimes I’ve even patted myself on the back afterwards, congratulating myself for “sharing the truth.”
In reality, though, my help was not helpful.
In a previous article, we looked at ways spiritual bypassing harms people — misrepresenting God’s heart, hindering authentic connection, causing us to feel unknown, and ignoring the whole person. In that article, we explored how to avoid this on a personal level. Today, let’s focus on the broader picture of avoiding spiritual bypassing in our communities.
For seven ways we can offer life-giving support, hop over to Bible Study Tools.
Is it possible to disagree without being disagreeable? How can Christians hold different opinions without creating division? What heart attitudes promote harmony in a dissonant world?
Throughout the New Testament, God calls his people to like-mindedness.
“Live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose” (1 Corinthians 1:10).
“Make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind” (Philippians 2:2).
“Let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up” (Romans 14:19).
These verses have me nodding my head in agreement. Yes, unity is beautiful — a noble calling for a holy people. I want to live this way. To build others up, to represent the gospel well, to reflect the God who is our peace.
In the everyday, though, life gets messy.
We all operate with our own unique filters: our culture, our family background, our stories, our church affiliation, our wounds, our personalities. Even as Christians, we hold different beliefs, have different priorities, lean toward different preferences.
How, then, can we possibly promote peace?
As humans we often gravitate to one extreme or another. Many of us are conflict avoidant. We run from disagreement or quietly smile and nod, keeping our thoughts and opinions to ourselves. Others of us are confrontational. If we disagree, we don’t mind saying so. In both situations, our natural responses can lead to division.
Here, as in many other situations, God beckons us into the middle spaces of grace where uniformity isn’t necessary for unity. He wants to reshape our hearts so we can speak up with confidence when something needs to be said, and we can listen with humility when he calls us to be quiet. We can learn to bring harmony into the situations we encounter as God weaves his peace into our souls.
5 Attitudes for Disagreeing without Dividing
1. Humility
In my young adult years, I held firm beliefs on many topics — especially when it came to the Bible. After walking through the collapse and reconstruction of my faith, however, I learned there’s often a bigger picture than what I can see on my own. For sure, truth is absolute, and the Bible speaks clearly on many black and white issues.
But life also holds many gray areas. On these topics, the Bible leaves room for us to lean into God, to learn and study and explore, to listen for his voice while embracing humility and a teachable heart.
1 Peter 5:5 instructs us, “Dress yourselves in humility as you relate to one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’”
Humility paves the way for growth. It fosters healthy conversations and leaves room for others to express different viewpoints. It enables us to listen without defensiveness and learn from one another.
2. Curiosity
If humility opens the door for authentic conversations, curiosity helps those conversations go deep and wide. Scripture calls us to be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). Curiosity helps us do just that.
A few years ago, our family started attending a new church. Before settling here, we’d never spent time in this particular denomination. Everything felt new. New terminology, new methodology, new worship styles. We asked lots of questions. We discussed Bible passages and enjoyed many thought-provoking conversations. We gleaned beautiful insight from orthodox voices in a different church tradition.
It felt like stretching, like growing. More than anything, it felt like learning to value our brothers and sisters in the larger Body of Christ.
Curiosity helps us avoid making assumptions based on hearsay or preconceived ideas. It creates space to understand and be understood, to know and be known. It allows us to see souls, not just differences.
3. Respect
By approaching hard conversations with humility and curiosity, we can learn to live with respect. 1 Peter 2:17 instructs us to “Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, [and] fear God…”
Each person we encounter bears God’s image and has immeasurable worth and value. When we treat one another respectfully, we honor God.
In hard conversations with other believers, it’s important to remember that like us, they have the Spirit of God living within them. We should honor their walk with Christ and acknowledge his work in their lives, even in times of disagreement.
An attitude of respect enables us to treat people with dignity. It helps us obey Proverbs 3:3: “Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart.”
4. Open-Heartedness
Romans 14 is my go-to passage for relating well with other Christians. In this chapter, the apostle Paul addresses a hot topic in the church at Corinth — eating meat sacrificed to idols. While this may seem strange to many twenty-first century believers, it was a point of major contention for this early church.
Paul urges believers on both sides of the issue to accept each other. In the Bible’s original Greek, acceptance carries the idea of friendship, of welcoming someone close and allowing them access to your heart.
In the family of God, Christians are called to welcome one another — even those with whom we disagree.
Why? Because God accepts them, just as he accepts us. Based on our mutual faith in Christ, we stand accepted by our Father. He has granted us access to his heart and lavished us with his favor. He is the One who helps us stand strong in our faith, and he is the One to whom we will give account.
While we may naturally gravitate to those with similar viewpoints, God calls us to live with an open heart toward those who view life differently.
5. Confidence
Relating to one another with acceptance, however, doesn’t mean our differences are unimportant. It doesn’t excuse sin that should be confronted or negate the need for sound doctrine and healthy boundaries. It doesn’t minimize personal conviction or call us to simply conform to the beliefs of those around us.
On the contrary, Romans 14:5 instructs us to be fully convinced in our own minds that what we believe is true. God calls us to study his Word, seek his heart, and allow his Spirit to teach us. As he guides us in forming convictions, we’ll learn to live out our faith with confidence and to share our beliefs with grace.
Differences are a necessary part of life. Jesus made it clear that he came to present people with a choice to either accept or reject him by faith. As Christians, we won’t always agree with those who don’t know him. God calls us to relate to non-believers with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15-16).
Within the family of faith, differences of belief are also unavoidable. Denominations exist because, as we study his Word, we Christians land in different places on secondary and tertiary issues. This can be a beautiful thing. We can learn from one other and grow in grace as we remember what we hold in common and allow space for what we see differently.
Our Source of Unity
As is true with every quality God calls us to practice, these heart attitudes can only grow in us through connection with God’s Spirit. Rather than demanding we perform them for him, he calls us to receive them from him.
His Spirit is our Source. Whenever we see in ourselves a lack of humility, curiosity, respect, open-heartedness, or confidence, God beckons us to bring our wrong attitudes into his light. To turn from our lack to his abundance. To allow his Spirit to renew our minds so our attitudes and actions can change as a result. As he does this, we’ll become more and more like him.
The God who calls us to “Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace” (Ephesians 4:3) will teach us how to “be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude” (1 Peter 3:8).
The following quote has been variously attributed to St. Augustine, John Wesley, and others. But regardless of who said it, it sums up our Christian calling well:
“In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.”
As we walk with God and allow him to form his character in our lives, may he use us to promote harmony among the people he loves.
This article originally appeared at Bible Study Tools on 12/16/2024.
I puzzled at the early morning text. Why is my friend asking if we’re safe?
A text from my neighbor clued me in. “A pine tree fell and damaged your shed and maybe your house.”
My oldest daughter and I were out of the state for a college preview when I received these messages. I had no idea our family back home was in danger. We’d heard hurricane Helene was coming, but we live hundreds of miles from Florida. Our schools had closed, but we assumed it was just a precautionary measure.
I needed to call my family.
Relief washed over me when I heard my husband’s voice. “We’re safe. We’ve been camped out in the hallway for the past several hours.”
He went on to describe a storm unlike anything we’d ever experienced. The wind was so fierce they could feel it in the house with the doors and windows closed. Rainwater came into the living room because the storm blew it under the windowsills. A tree fell on my husband’s car, but thankfully none landed on our house.
My daughter and I finally made it home after several GPS reroutes, and tears filled my eyes as I drove into our city. Billboards stripped of their ads. The side of a building lying on the ground next to a tangle of broken power lines. Cars crushed and houses cut in half by massive fallen pines.
Never had I witnessed such devastation. Oh, I’d seen pictures and videos of hurricane damage before. But this was my city. These were my neighbors. That was our car.
In the days that followed, I experienced a jumble of emotions. Grief for my friends over what they’d lost. Relief that we hadn’t lost much. Guilt over feeling such relief. Shame for being sad and anxious when others had it worse. Gratitude for the hundreds of different ways our community banded together to show love.
As I processed all these feelings in prayer, I sensed God’s Spirit saying to mine, Look for what is constant and anchor yourself there.
Life’s storms will come, both the physical and the metaphorical ones, but I’m thankful God’s heart never changes. In the wake of our storms, we can anchor ourselves to who he is and lean into his gracious presence.
Here are four qualities of God I’m holding onto as we recover from hurricane Helene:
1. God Is Welcoming
“So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most” (Hebrews 4:16).
“Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge” (Psalm 62:8).
Jesus understands the pain of living in a world that breaks our hearts (Hebrews 4:14-16). He felt anger and sadness, as well as joy, when he walked our planet (Mark 3:5, John 11:35, Luke 10:21). He invites us to bring our whole selves into his presence.
Pour out our hearts.
Describe our emotions.
Bring our questions into the light.
For me, meeting with God in this vulnerable place brings deep healing and renewal. I experience him as my safety, a refuge from all that rages on the outside. I hear his inaudible voice deep within my soul. I gain new perspective on my situation, as well a fresh understanding of his heart.
2. God Is Compassionate
“Jesus saw the huge crowd as he stepped from the boat, and he had compassion on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things” (Mark 6:34).
Earlier in this passage, Mark explains that Jesus and his disciples were weary. Ministry kept them so busy they didn’t even have time to eat. Also, Jesus had just received word of his cousin John’s martyrdom. Jesus announced it was time for a break as he led his disciples away on a retreat. But the crowds saw where he was headed. They rushed to meet him there. Despite his own exhaustion and grief, Jesus saw them with compassion and lavished them with loving care.
God’s heart is full of kindness and grace. He moves toward us, not away from us, in our need. When we bring him our weary, wounded souls, he meets us with compassion.
3. God Is Present
“[King Nebuchadnezzar] said, ‘Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods’” (Daniel 3:25).
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).
When we feel we’re drowning in deep waters, he is Emmanuel,God with us. When life seems like one fiery trial after another, the Son of God stands beside us in the flames. When we’re overwhelmed and exhausted from carrying burdens, he’s the gentle, humble Savior who offers rest for our souls (Matthew 11:28-30).
He’s with us in the storm. He’s with us in its wake. He’s with us in the rubble. And he’s with us in the rebuilding.
Even when the darkness tries to convince us otherwise, our God is always with us.
4. God Is Our Source
“And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).
“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5).
Storms have a way of reminding us of our humanity. They can leave us feeling powerless and empty, anxious about the future and unsure how to move forward. In our time of need, God calls us close. He longs to lavish upon us the riches of his heart and the provision of heaven’s resources.
His Spirit is the Source of all we need. He invites us to trade our anxiety for his peace by talking with him about our concerns (Philippians 4:6-7).
Do you have physical needs? Bring them to the One who fed the 5,000 with two fish and five loaves of bread (Matthew 14).
Are you desperate for direction, in need of hope and heaven’s perspective? Talk to the One who holds all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge (Colossians 2:3).
Do you long to help others heal, but feel you have nothing left to give? Let Jesus fill you with his love and strength until it overflows in practical ways to those around you (John 13:34).
Like the wise man who built his house on the rock, may we anchor ourselves to God’s faithfulness in every storm.
What pictures come to mind when you hear the word gentle? A soft breeze? A kid-friendly pet? A woman known for her kindness?
While these images capture some of the word’s meaning, the Bible portrays gentleness in a more audacious way than we tend to assume. For Christians called to “put on hearts of gentleness” (Colossians 3:12), it’s important we understand how the Bible uses this word.
Gentleness Starts with Jesus
God calls us to be gentle because he is gentle. He is our starting point. When we experience his gentleness toward us, we learn how he intends this quality to flourish in our lives.
The same is true of all the fruits of the Spirit. We’re called to live in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control because that’s who God is (Galatians 5:21-22). These are the fruits of the Spirit because they describe the Holy Spirit’s character. As our hearts become more like his, his fruit naturally grows within us.
The best place to see what God’s gentleness looks like is in the life of Jesus. Hebrews 1:3 explains that Jesus “radiates God’s own glory and expresses the very character of God…” In him, gentleness plays out in the nitty-gritty of everyday life.
Yet sometimes Jesus’ story is confusing. We can easily see his gentleness when he stood silent before his accusers, or when he rode into Jerusalem on a donkey instead of a war horse. But what about when he called the religious leaders a “brood of vipers” or drove the money changers out of the temple with a whip (Matthew 27:12-14, 21:4-5, 12: 34-35, John 2:15-17)?
This confusion highlights several myths we often assume about gentleness.
Myth 1: Gentleness Makes Me a Doormat
In English, the word gentleness sometimes carries the connotation of timidity. In fact, some versions of our English Bible translate the word as meekness, which sounds a lot like weakness — especially when used in common expressions like “meek as a lamb.”
This can lead us to wonder, if I choose to cultivate gentleness, am I giving up my voice? Does it look like a lack of passion, preference, or ambition?
Gentleness in Jesus’ Life
Our gentle, humble Jesus was anything but a doormat. While he washed the feet of his betrayer and sometimes chose to be silent, he had no problem setting boundaries or speaking his mind. No human controlled what he said or what he did.
And he didn’t simply act gentle when he walked our planet. He described his very heart as gentle (Matthew 11:29).
Jesus, at the core of his being, is gentle.
This has always been God’s heart — even in the Old Testament. The psalmist David praised God saying, “You have also given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand upholds me; and your gentleness makes me great” (Psalm 18:35).
Because God’s character is consistent (Malachi 3:6), every one of Jesus’ actions flowed from his gentle heart. He was gentle when he allowed himself to be “crushed for our sins” at the cross (Isaiah 53:5). And he was gentle when he tossed the greedy money changers out of his Father’s house.
Gentleness, according to Jesus, is controlled strength.
One commentary defines this fruit of the Spirit as “the right blend of force and reserve. [It] avoids unnecessary harshness, yet without compromising or without being too slow to use necessary force.” Ray Stedman write it is “real strength, but it does not have to display itself or show off how strong it is. This is what our Lord beautifully displayed [when] he described himself as ‘meek and lowly in heart.’”
Through Jesus’ example, we see that God’s kind of gentleness expresses itself in both silence and boldness. As we listen to his Spirit, resting in his gentleness and allowing him to direct and empower us, we’ll learn to:
– Entrust ourselves to God as our Defender
– Treat others (and ourselves) with kindness and respect
– Speak the truth in love
– Uphold wise personal boundaries
– Handle conflict constructively
Myth 2: Gentleness Is Just for Women
As a woman who’s spent my life in Christian circles, I know 1 Peter 3:3-4 like I know my own name. In fact, these verses used to form my primary framework for understanding God’s call to gentleness — “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God” (NLT).
So, is gentleness just for women then?
Gentleness in Jesus’ Life
When God took on flesh, he came to us as a man — still fully God, now also fully human. By his own description, as well as his interactions with people, Jesus revealed his gentle heart. If God the Son is characterized by gentleness, it can’t possibly be a quality he intends primarily for women.
It’s also interesting to note that 1 Peter 3:4 (above) is the only instance where the call to gentleness is specifically given to women. In other passages, Christians in general (or church leaders) are called to exemplify this quality.
“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted” (Galatians 6:1).
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2).
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12).
Gentleness is God’s desire for all who follow Jesus.
Myth 3: Gentleness Comes Naturally to Some People
I used to think I had gentleness down pat. As a naturally quiet, non-confrontational person, I assumed gentleness was just part of my personality. The more I study the Bible, though, the more I realize no one is naturally gentle.
Marg Mowczko says being “gentle has nothing to do with being shy, demure, passive, or weak. Rather, it involves both self-control and humility when dealing with others. It also involves cooperating with the work of the Holy Spirit.”
For both strong and subdued personalities, true gentleness is a work of God’s grace. HELPS Word-studies explains that Biblical gentleness “is the fruit (product) of the Holy Spirit…It is never something humanly accomplished (or simply biological).”
Gentleness in Jesus’ Life
In a mystery that’s hard to comprehend, Jesus modeled the same dependance on God to which he calls each of us.
“So Jesus explained, ‘I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself. He does only what he sees the Father doing. Whatever the Father does, the Son also does’” (John 5:19).
He sought the Father’s guidance through prayer. He yielded to the Father’s will in the Garden of Gethsemane. He spoke what he heard from the Father and was quiet when the Father wanted him to be silent.
In his humanity, Jesus relied on God to guide his life and ministry.
In a similar way, he calls us to cooperate with the work of his indwelling Spirit. For every personality type – introverts and extroverts – the Holy Spirit alone can cultivate gentleness in our hearts and live out his gentle strength through us.
Myth 4: Gentleness Is the Opposite of Anger
It’s easy to think of anger as evil, to assume we should never feel upset at the people or circumstances around us. Yet Ephesians 4:26 teaches us it’s possible to be angry without sinning: “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
The feeling of anger is not sinful. Like all other emotions, it is simply part of being human, of bearing the image of a God who also experiences emotion.
When boundaries are crossed or promises are broken, when disappointments mount or dreams die, when conflicts sabotage our well-laid plans, it’s natural for us to feel angry. Anger is not the opposite of gentleness.
In fact, gentleness is “the middle course in being angry, standing between two extremes, getting angry without reason and not getting angry at all. Therefore, [gentleness] is getting angry at the right time, in the right measure, and for the right reason” (Lexical Aids to the New Testament in the Key Word Study Bible).
Gentleness in Jesus’ Life
Jesus expressed anger when he walked our planet. Once, he called certain people “faithless and corrupt,” and then asked, “How long must I put up with you?” (Matthew 17:17).
Another time, while his critics watched for a reason to condemn him, Jesus “looked around at them in anger and [was] deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts” (Mark 3:5a). After reading the situation, he performed the very miracle they hoped he’d do. He didn’t fear their hatred, and he didn’t hate them back. Instead “…He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly” (1 Peter 2:23b).
With a gentle heart, Jesus lived out “the middle course in being angry.” And he’s willing, through his Spirit, to teach us to do the same.
He invites us to process our emotions with him. In prayer, we can name our feelings, express our anger to him, and tell him exactly what’s going through our minds. Then in the silence that follows, he calls us to listen for his still, small voice speaking in our hearts—helping us sort out our emotions, renewing our minds with his perspective, and teaching us to live gently in each situation we face.
The Heart of Gentleness
Gentleness begins on the inside, as “an inwrought grace of the soul” (Blue Letter Bible). It takes shape deep within as we experience God’s gentleness in our own lives. When he surprises us with tenderness and compassion, our soul’s hard places begin to soften. Trust takes root as God teaches us that he’s for us. Our God-given identity starts to push out the need to prove or defend ourselves. Humility grows in place of self-centeredness.
This inwrought grace has a profound impact on our relationships — first with God, then with ourselves and those around us:
With God, gentleness teaches us to walk by faith. It helps us entrust ourselves to him when we’re wronged. It enables us to rest in the assurance that he’s always working for our good. It strengthens us to rely on his Spirit when he calls us to be bold.
Gentleness teaches us to live relationally with him.
With ourselves, gentleness loosens the shackles of self-preoccupation. Because God defines and takes care of us, we can trust him to meet our needs. We can learn to be patient and gracious with ourselves, because that’s how God treats us. We can let go of people-pleasing and people-using, because we trust the heart of God.
Gentleness gives rest to our souls.
With others, gentleness enables us to honor the image of God in every person we encounter. It leads us to be considerate and reasonable, to seek the well-being of the other person and relate to them with respect, even if they don’t treat us the same way. Gentleness sees the bigger picture — that God loves the people around us as much as he loves us, and he’s weaving redemption into every situation we face.
Gentleness enables us to treat others the way we’d like to be treated.
A gentle heart reflects the heart of God. As we rest in his gentleness toward us, our lives will grow in gentleness as well.
This article originally appeared on Bible Study Tools, 7/22/2025: https://www.biblestudytools.com/slideshows/4-myths-about-gentleness-you-may-be-falling-for.html
How can you help someone whose faith is in pieces? When a Christian you love questions beliefs you hold dear, is it possible to walk with them through faith deconstruction?
As someone who experienced the collapse of my faith (and its eventual renewal), I’m deeply grateful for believers who want to come alongside and help. The gift of your presence can make Christ’s love tangible.
If you’ve never walked through deconstruction yourself, however, you may struggle to know just how to help. Understanding the terminology is a good place to begin.
Understanding Faith Deconstruction
No two deconstruction stories are the same. From the initial crisis to an eventual landing place and every detail in between, each story is as unique as the individual living it. Adding to the issue’s complexity, there’s no single, agreed-upon definition.
In general, faith deconstruction is the rethinking of one’s foundational beliefs. Beyond this, the range of definitions varies widely.
Some Christians compare it to literary and philosophical deconstruction, a practice developed in the 1960’s. In those fields, modern readers reinterpret older works based on the belief that truth is relative. When applied to Christianity, this type of deconstruction often leads to significant theological shifts, sometimes even leading to deconversion. Alisa Childers and Tim Barnett seem to have this perspective in mind when they define faith deconstruction as “a postmodern process of rethinking your faith without regarding Scripture as a standard.”
On the other end of the spectrum, Grace Ruiter compares faith deconstruction to a necessary renovation project. She describes it this way, “If you think of Christian faith as a home, pursuing tough questions about your faith is a bit like tearing away the carpeting and knocking out the drywall to see the bones that lie beneath. It pulls apart your beliefs to reveal what they’re made of and what holds them together.” This definition aligns with my own deconstruction experience.
When discussing deconstruction with your loved one, it’s wise to start by understanding how they’re using the term.
Common Denominators in Deconstruction
While each deconstruction story is different, there are often some commonalities. Based on my own experience and the stories I’ve witnessed, here are some realities you’ll want to keep in mind.
Deconstruction Is Painful
For many of us, deconstruction comes on the heels of a traumatic experience. My faith imploded when I learned of the betrayal of a trusted spiritual leader. Though I hadn’t seen him in years, his teachings had shaped my spiritual formation. His betrayal wounded me, and his double-life caused me to question nearly everything I believed.
In addition to the pain from the actual crisis, the journey through deconstruction felt intensely lonely. I was ashamed of my questions and doubts, of the depression that took up residence in me during that season. I was afraid to let people into my process lest they see the mess I’d become. It was easier just to quietly withdraw.
Your loved one may be carrying a very deep wound. They’re trying to figure out where to go from here and how to make sense of what they’ve experienced. By offering the gift of your presence, you can provide a haven through the lonely process.
Deconstruction May Be Unavoidable
Like many others who deconstruct, I didn’t flippantly decide to dismantle my faith. Besides abandoning Christianity altogether, I truly had no other option. My faith was broken and starting over was my only hope for its survival.
As I evaluated my belief system with fresh eyes, I recognized a tangled mess of truth and lies — transactional Christianity that left me exhausted, opinions held because a teacher told me so, Scripture misinterpreted and taken out of context. Deconstruction offered the overhaul my faith required.
Your loved one is likely deconstructing because they must. By supporting them through the process, you can extend a lifeline that gives the option of holding onto faith.
Deconstruction Impacts People Differently
When God’s good gifts are instead used to harm, surprising triggers can result.
Because my faith crisis came after a leader’s betrayal of trust, to this day I struggle with trusting those in positions of spiritual authority. In other situations, when God’s Word was used to shame, manipulate, or control, those affected may have great difficulty reading the Bible or hearing it taught. In situations where harm occurred in a church setting, those wounded in this way may find it impossible to go to church right now — even a different church altogether.
Your loved one may experience triggers that surprise you. When you extend love and compassion, you create space for them to heal at their own pace.
Deconstruction Is a Process
Where your loved one is today is not necessarily their final destination. They’re asking questions and seeking answers, but don’t assume where they’ve landed is where they’ll stay.
My faith deconstruction started over a decade ago. Along the way I discovered it’s more of a journey than an arrival point. As Paul David Tripp put it, “We should all be deconstructing our faith. We better do it. Because our faith becomes a culture, a culture so webbed into the purity of truth, it’s hard to separate the two.”
Healthy faith is curious — always growing, always aware of how much we don’t yet know, always on guard against lies masquerading as the truth.
Your loved one is in process (as we all are). When you love them where they’re at, you keep the door open for an ongoing relationship.
4 Ways to Support Your Loved One through Deconstruction
Micah 6:8 describes qualities that are dear to God’s heart. They can also provide reference points for relating to your loved one.
“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”
1. Do Justly
Many a deconstruction story begins with some sort of injustice. Maybe your loved one or someone they care about was harmed. Perhaps they’ve heard one too many stories about yet another church scandal. Whatever the situation, your loved one is likely trying to make sense of it within their worldview.
Affirm their desire for truth and justice. Their heart cry echoes the heart of God. Resist the temptation to rationalize their concerns. Don’t express doubt or downplay their story. This will only add to their pain. Instead, hold gently the concerns they’ve shared with you.
2. Love Kindness
In the Bible’s original Hebrew, the word used in Micah 6:8 for kindnessmeans loyal love. The same word shows up in Proverbs 19:22a, “What a person desires is unfailing love.” This need for consistent, merciful love is especially strong during deconstruction.
Consider how Jesus received the hurting people who came to him. He looked them in the eyes, noticed their struggle, and welcomed them to spend time with him. He didn’t hold them at arm’s length until they figured out the right theology or cleaned up their messes. No, he wept with them and listened to their stories. He loved them right where they were.
This is still God’s heart for people today. Ask him to fill you with his loyal love and to help you see your loved one through his eyes. Allow kindness to characterize your conversations so they feel valued, honored, and loved.
3. Walk Humbly
Part of deconstruction involves asking messy questions, questions rarely voiced within the walls of a church building. While this may make you uncomfortable, verbalize your willingness to listen and your desire to understand your loved one’s perspective. Make room for curiosity and affirm the concerns behind their questions.
While we recognize truth is not relative and historical Christianity rests on some essential basic tenants, we must also acknowledge that gray areas exist. Christians come to different conclusions on secondary and tertiary topics. It’s important to hold your convictions with confidence and humility, acknowledging that believers with different perspectives may have valid Biblical basis for their beliefs. This allows room for differences within the faith community. It validates other Christian voices and shows that genuine faith can exist outside the structure of one specific denomination. Ultimately, it allows your loved one to take a different position on non-essential issues and still hold on to Christ.
4. Trust the Holy Spirit
While faith deconstruction can be alarming, you can rest in the awareness that God is at work behind the scenes. He loves your friend or family member more than any human ever could. He wants a relationship with them and is drawing them in with his kindness (Romans 2:4). No, you can’t guarantee the outcome, but you can trust that his heart is for them.
So, when you’re tempted to correct uncomfortable questions or take control of their process, choose instead to “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). If God leads you to speak truth or share your perspective, do so with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15). Allow God’s perfect love to displace any fear within your heart so you can speak and act with love.
How to Pray for Your Loved One
More than anything, your loved one needs your prayers, especially in these two areas:
1. Pray They Will Experience Christ
Deconstruction is extremely personal. Your loved one is reevaluating beliefs they’ve held at their core. God alone knows the depth of transformation taking place. He sees every hidden wound and hears each unspoken question. He longs to meet them with compassion.
The Living Bible paraphrases Matthew 12:20-21 beautifully as it depicts Jesus’ heart for the hurting. “He does not crush the weak or quench the smallest hope; he will end all conflict with his final victory, and his name shall be the hope of all the world.”
This describes how I experienced Christ when my faith fell apart. Where I expected him to be disappointed in me (as I was in myself), I sensed mercy and open-hearted welcome instead. He dazzled my weary, wounded soul with his grace. Grace I’d sung about and talked about since I was a church kid. Grace far greater than I’d dreamed possible.
The person of Christ held me in the faith. Not well-defined doctrines or convincing arguments. Not creeds or checklists or even the fear of judgment.
Jesus himself is present in deconstruction, inviting people to bring their wounds and their questions and find healing and hope in him.
Your loved one needs to experience Christ. Whether they recognize this need or not, you can pray they will encounter him in soul-mending, faith-building ways.
2. Pray That Deconstruction Leads to Reconstruction
Deconstruction can be beautiful if it leads to restored faith. Just as renovating a historical building is a valuable endeavor, the Christian faith is worth rebuilding when it’s fallen into disrepair. But tearing out what’s rotten and throwing away what’s broken is only part of the process.
God desires to rebuild your loved one’s faith — not just as it was, but as he designed it be so they can flourish.
Before deconstruction, my faith was driven by duty. “Try harder” was my subconscious mantra. I wondered at Jesus’ promise of soul rest, and I secretly doubted he really had abundant life to offer. During deconstruction, he replaced the lies that led me to burnout and taught my soul to rest. He set me on a life-long quest to know his heart and deepened my relationship with him along the way.
Your loved one’s faith needs renewal, too. Pray that as they deconstruct, God himself will rebuild a flourishing faith.
May God’s Spirit guide you as you walk with your loved one through deconstruction, giving you understanding, helping you offer support, and teaching you how to pray for them.
This article originally appeared on Bible Study Tools, 5/30/2024:
As the words of our song reverberated through the Russian cathedral, the memory of those moments etched itself on my soul. Our mission team had come to tour the church. Inspired by the sanctuary’s beauty, we sang God’s praise from the balcony. Never had I heard more beautiful acoustics.
On our way out, a woman who worked in the cathedral spoke to our translator. With tears in her eyes, she explained how she’d prayed for years to hear God praised in another language. Who knew our spontaneous worship would be the answer to a fellow believer’s prayer?
Moments like this feel like ministry. Surrounded by beauty. Inspired by answered prayer. Serving in a country on the other side of the planet.
Parenting, on the other hand, can feel like anything but ministry. Surrounded by messes. Exhausted by relentless needs. Serving in the very real spaces we call home.
It’s easy to think ministry happens out there through people with seminary degrees and a profound sense of calling.
But what if Jesus views parenting as ministry? And if he does, what does the ministry of parenting look like?
Parenting as Ministry
I remember feeling a bit purposeless as a young mom. I changed diapers, read stories, and cooked meals. Then I put the kids to bed and did it all over again the next day—for days, weeks, and months on end. Compared to mission trips, Bible studies led, and worship songs sung, those everyday jobs didn’t feel much like ministry.
Yet, at its core, ministry is service, and that’s exactly what we’re doing in our homes.
Writing about the word’s biblical usage, Bill Mounce explains that ministry “can refer to helps and service of various kinds which can range in meaning from spiritual Biblical teaching (Acts 6:4) to the practical giving of provisions, supplies, support, and finances to those in need (2 Corinthians 9:12).”
What a fitting description of Christian parenting—serving our kids’ spiritual and practical needs.
Here are three ways Jesus views parenting as ministry.
1. Caring for Our Kids’ Needs
When I was preparing to write this article, I asked our teenage daughter, “How do you think Jesus sees parenting as ministry?” She responded with a pun, “I don’t know, but I’m sure God will make it ap-parent to you.” (Groans and eye rolls all around. I love her sense of humor.)
The next day, I asked our teenage son the same question. He reminded me of Matthew 7:9-11 (NLT): “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead?Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not!So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.”
When we care for our kids’ practical needs, we’re modeling the generous heart of our Father. We’re not just providing food or giving them a safe home to live in. We’re showing them there’s a God who cares for us. One who knows our needs and loves to give what is good. One who values his children infinitely more than the birds he keeps his eye upon (Matthew 6:25-32).
Our kids’ physical needs are often the most obvious and easiest to address. Yet, in the ministry of parenting, God calls us to care for our kids holistically. The One who created humans with bodies, minds, and spirits wants to teach us how to minister to their outward and inward needs.
Caring for our kids’ souls is multidimensional. It involves, among other things, teaching them to process emotions in a healthy way, talking with them about good friendships and healthy boundary setting, and compassionately walking with them through whatever struggles they face.
Through practical ministry in our homes, we can help our kids thrive as they discover and grow into the unique individuals God created them to be.
In addition to caring for their physical and emotional health, the ministry of parenting calls us to invest in their spiritual well-being, too. I like to think of this as discipleship.
2. Relating to Our Kids as Disciples
Discipleship describes the relationship between a teacher and a student. It includes more than simply passing on information, however. Through time spent together, the teacher instructs and models what they want their students to emulate—lessons learned, habits formed, and a worldview acquired.
Jesus’ relationship with his twelve closest followers provides a beautiful picture of what discipleship can look like in our homes. For three years, he spent nearly every day with them—eating, traveling, and working together. Along the way and with intentionality, Jesus taught them about the ways of his kingdom and the heart of his Father.
In the Old Testament, God instructed parents to teach their children in a similar way:
“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates” (Deuteronomy 6:4-9).
In both the Old and New Testaments, we see examples of spiritually investing in those under our care. We can do this in two main ways:
As We Go
For this busy mom, the words of Deuteronomy are a welcome relief. The ministry of parenting involves living out our faith as we go about our daily lives. Most of our family’s spiritually profound conversations are not planned. They come up while we’re driving and discussing concerns about the day ahead. Or at 10 pm when my body wants to sleep but my teen wants to talk. Or when I’m asking forgiveness for speaking with anger instead of love.
These are the moments when real life meets real faith. I’m not studied up or even prayed up, necessarily. But I find myself silently asking the Holy Spirit to fill me with his wisdom, strength, or compassion so I can represent Jesus well in those spontaneous conversations.
On Purpose
God also gave the Israelite people regular, commemorative celebrations to remind them of their relationship with him (Leviticus 23). Woven throughout Scripture is the call to purposely cultivate faith in God (Psalm 11:9, Romans 12:2).
While we may not have annual religious feasts like the Israelites did, we can plan ways to intentionally disciple our kids.
In our family, this has looked different as our kids have grown. When they were little and we were home every day, we read the Bible and prayed together as part of our daily routine. Now that they’re older and we’re away from the house most days, we try to gather and read a devotion a few times a week. A few years ago, when we were in between churches, we set aside Sunday afternoons to talk about the church service we’d just experienced. This led to many beautiful faith conversations.
Ultimately, as I invest in my kids’ spiritual formation, I seek to encourage each of them to embrace their personal walk with God. There’s nothing more beautiful to me than hearing my son or daughter share something they learned from him on their own.
While this is my heart’s desire for each of my kids, it’s also a choice that’s up to them. Our ministry call as parents is simply to make Jesus known and to trust him with our children’s hearts.
3. Modeling Our Own Walk of Faith
An essential part of our calling as Christian parents is to cultivate authentic faith in our own lives. It’s easy to think of this in terms of duty. Like Martha trying desperately to serve Jesus and take care of everyone in her house, we may feel that seeking God is just one more item on our already-full to-do list.
His words to Martha apply to us, too: “…My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her” (Luke 10:41-42 NLT).
It wasn’t that feeding people and ensuring their comfort in her home didn’t matter. Jesus knew Martha’s heart was to honor him and care well for her guests. But he also knew serving him would never satisfy the restlessness of her soul. It couldn’t produce in her the abundant or the fruit of his Spirit.
Unlike Martha, Mary chose to enjoy him. She was concerned about one thing—receiving from Jesus, not doing for Jesus. Sitting at his feet wasn’t a duty (nor was serving him, as we see her doing elsewhere in Scripture). He was her delight, the source of rest for her soul. So, whether she served him or sat quietly at his feet, her focus was on Christ himself.
In a similar way, Jesus beckons us close. He invites us to return to him repeatedly for peace and rest (Psalm 116:7, Matthew 11:28-30). Through set-aside times and on the go, he calls us to live relationally with his Spirit, getting to know him and receiving from him all we need for this ministry of parenting.
A life of authentic faith can be complicated. What a gift we give our children when we allow them to witness our walk with God through the ups and downs.
– When we talk about what God is teaching us, they learn they can hear from him, too.
– When we share how he welcomes us to bring our questions and doubts, they discover they can be real with God, too.
– When we prioritize soul care, they understand the importance of investing in their spiritual lives, too.
– When our love for God compels us to love others, they observe Christ ministering through the hands and feet of his people.
– When they hear us apologize for the wrongs we’ve done, they learn the importance of living with a clear conscience.
Paul encouraged the people of Corinth: “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ” (1 Corinthians 1:11). As parents, we have the privilege of leading our kids toward Christ by example.
The Heart of Ministry
As we care for, disciple, and model faith for our kids, we are living out the ministry of parenting. Underlying all these practices, however, must be a commitment to cultivating our relationship with our kids.
We can read the Bible with our kids every day. We can meet their physical needs and take them to every extracurricular activity they desire. We can bring them to church and send them on mission trips. But if we fail to love them relationally, we’ll undermine everything else we’re trying to do.
Our influence lies in our relationship.
Our kids need to know we care about them and about the things that are important to them. They need us to put down our devices, look them in the eye with a smile, and listen to whatever is on their minds. They need one-on-one time with us and acceptance of their personality, thoughts, and feelings.
As we prioritize our relationship with them, we model the relationship God wants to have with them, as well.
The Perfect Parent
As much as I long to parent well and raise kids with no childhood baggage, like every mom and dad, I fail along the way. God alone is the perfect Parent.
This, of course, is no excuse for mistreatment or neglect. God holds us accountable for those he’s entrusted to our care. But he doesn’t expect perfection—just a growing desire to love well with our words and our actions and a willingness to seek forgiveness when we mess up.
My mentor often reminds me, “Kids don’t need perfect parents. They need a perfect God.”
Our perfect God knows our kids better than we ever will. He offers everything we need to care for and disciple our kids in this ministry of parenting. Through cultivating our relationship with him and our kids, we can point them to the perfect Parent who loves them and invites them to know him, as well.
This article originally appeared on Crosswalk, 03/22/2024:
