The lyrics to the church worship song fell flat on my heavy heart. With my mind, I trust in the goodness of God — it’s one of my deepest core beliefs. But that day, my emotions were a tangled mess of confusion, grief, and anger as I walked through a very painful season.
“God, this doesn’t feel good. I’m struggling to sing these words today.” I wanted to keep believing he’s good, but clinging to hope when the future looked bleak took some serious wrestling with God.
Hold it together. Don’t bawl in front of everyone. You did that last week, surely you can keep your composure this week. I wish I had a tissue.
Suddenly, I felt a friend standing next to me. She put her arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a welcomed hug. From where she sat two rows behind me, she’d noticed my struggle. Maybe it was the way I kept dabbing at my eyes as I tried to be discreet. Maybe it was my hunched shoulders, tense with bottled-up emotions. Somehow, she noticed me hurting and didn’t want me to stand there alone.
A minute later, a second friend put her arm around me from the other side. Then I felt a hand on my back from someone in the row behind me.
The dam broke. The tears flowed. Sobs shook my body. And my friends stayed right by my side. They didn’t care that I fell apart. They just wanted me to know I wasn’t alone.
As we stood there, God’s Spirit whispered silently to my soul. I do love you, even though circumstances are hard. I am good, even when life is not. You’re surrounded by mercy.
And quite literally, I was.
As someone whose story is riddled with religious trauma, leaning into church life can be a challenge for me. But through this beautiful community we call our church home, I’m learning how God invites us to walk together through suffering.
Beware of Spiritual Bypassing
One of the greatest hindrances to helping our hurting friends is the practice of spiritual bypassing. Psychotherapist Dr. Alison Cook explains that spiritual bypassing is “using spiritual concepts, platitudes, or spiritual language to bypass or over-spiritualize the real struggles that we face.” It shortcuts the deep work God wants to do in our hearts by offering a quick-fix, a mind-over-matter solution, a focus on performance rather than a process of inner renewal.
Regrettably, I’ve been guilty of spiritual bypassing on many occasions. In response to someone’s painful story, I’ve quoted Bible verses, offered simplistic solutions, or evaded my own discomfort by promising to pray for them, then walking away. (And I may or may not have remembered to pray.) Sometimes I’ve even patted myself on the back afterwards, congratulating myself for “sharing the truth.”
In reality, though, my help was not helpful.
In a previous article, we looked at ways spiritual bypassing harms people — misrepresenting God’s heart, hindering authentic connection, causing us to feel unknown, and ignoring the whole person. In that article, we explored how to avoid this on a personal level. Today, let’s focus on the broader picture of avoiding spiritual bypassing in our communities.
For seven ways we can offer life-giving support, hop over to Bible Study Tools.
Is it possible to disagree without being disagreeable? How can Christians hold different opinions without creating division? What heart attitudes promote harmony in a dissonant world?
Throughout the New Testament, God calls his people to like-mindedness.
“Live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose” (1 Corinthians 1:10).
“Make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind” (Philippians 2:2).
“Let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up” (Romans 14:19).
These verses have me nodding my head in agreement. Yes, unity is beautiful — a noble calling for a holy people. I want to live this way. To build others up, to represent the gospel well, to reflect the God who is our peace.
In the everyday, though, life gets messy.
We all operate with our own unique filters: our culture, our family background, our stories, our church affiliation, our wounds, our personalities. Even as Christians, we hold different beliefs, have different priorities, lean toward different preferences.
How, then, can we possibly promote peace?
As humans we often gravitate to one extreme or another. Many of us are conflict avoidant. We run from disagreement or quietly smile and nod, keeping our thoughts and opinions to ourselves. Others of us are confrontational. If we disagree, we don’t mind saying so. In both situations, our natural responses can lead to division.
Here, as in many other situations, God beckons us into the middle spaces of grace where uniformity isn’t necessary for unity. He wants to reshape our hearts so we can speak up with confidence when something needs to be said, and we can listen with humility when he calls us to be quiet. We can learn to bring harmony into the situations we encounter as God weaves his peace into our souls.
5 Attitudes for Disagreeing without Dividing
1. Humility
In my young adult years, I held firm beliefs on many topics — especially when it came to the Bible. After walking through the collapse and reconstruction of my faith, however, I learned there’s often a bigger picture than what I can see on my own. For sure, truth is absolute, and the Bible speaks clearly on many black and white issues.
But life also holds many gray areas. On these topics, the Bible leaves room for us to lean into God, to learn and study and explore, to listen for his voice while embracing humility and a teachable heart.
1 Peter 5:5 instructs us, “Dress yourselves in humility as you relate to one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’”
Humility paves the way for growth. It fosters healthy conversations and leaves room for others to express different viewpoints. It enables us to listen without defensiveness and learn from one another.
2. Curiosity
If humility opens the door for authentic conversations, curiosity helps those conversations go deep and wide. Scripture calls us to be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). Curiosity helps us do just that.
A few years ago, our family started attending a new church. Before settling here, we’d never spent time in this particular denomination. Everything felt new. New terminology, new methodology, new worship styles. We asked lots of questions. We discussed Bible passages and enjoyed many thought-provoking conversations. We gleaned beautiful insight from orthodox voices in a different church tradition.
It felt like stretching, like growing. More than anything, it felt like learning to value our brothers and sisters in the larger Body of Christ.
Curiosity helps us avoid making assumptions based on hearsay or preconceived ideas. It creates space to understand and be understood, to know and be known. It allows us to see souls, not just differences.
3. Respect
By approaching hard conversations with humility and curiosity, we can learn to live with respect. 1 Peter 2:17 instructs us to “Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, [and] fear God…”
Each person we encounter bears God’s image and has immeasurable worth and value. When we treat one another respectfully, we honor God.
In hard conversations with other believers, it’s important to remember that like us, they have the Spirit of God living within them. We should honor their walk with Christ and acknowledge his work in their lives, even in times of disagreement.
An attitude of respect enables us to treat people with dignity. It helps us obey Proverbs 3:3: “Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart.”
4. Open-Heartedness
Romans 14 is my go-to passage for relating well with other Christians. In this chapter, the apostle Paul addresses a hot topic in the church at Corinth — eating meat sacrificed to idols. While this may seem strange to many twenty-first century believers, it was a point of major contention for this early church.
Paul urges believers on both sides of the issue to accept each other. In the Bible’s original Greek, acceptance carries the idea of friendship, of welcoming someone close and allowing them access to your heart.
In the family of God, Christians are called to welcome one another — even those with whom we disagree.
Why? Because God accepts them, just as he accepts us. Based on our mutual faith in Christ, we stand accepted by our Father. He has granted us access to his heart and lavished us with his favor. He is the One who helps us stand strong in our faith, and he is the One to whom we will give account.
While we may naturally gravitate to those with similar viewpoints, God calls us to live with an open heart toward those who view life differently.
5. Confidence
Relating to one another with acceptance, however, doesn’t mean our differences are unimportant. It doesn’t excuse sin that should be confronted or negate the need for sound doctrine and healthy boundaries. It doesn’t minimize personal conviction or call us to simply conform to the beliefs of those around us.
On the contrary, Romans 14:5 instructs us to be fully convinced in our own minds that what we believe is true. God calls us to study his Word, seek his heart, and allow his Spirit to teach us. As he guides us in forming convictions, we’ll learn to live out our faith with confidence and to share our beliefs with grace.
Differences are a necessary part of life. Jesus made it clear that he came to present people with a choice to either accept or reject him by faith. As Christians, we won’t always agree with those who don’t know him. God calls us to relate to non-believers with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15-16).
Within the family of faith, differences of belief are also unavoidable. Denominations exist because, as we study his Word, we Christians land in different places on secondary and tertiary issues. This can be a beautiful thing. We can learn from one other and grow in grace as we remember what we hold in common and allow space for what we see differently.
Our Source of Unity
As is true with every quality God calls us to practice, these heart attitudes can only grow in us through connection with God’s Spirit. Rather than demanding we perform them for him, he calls us to receive them from him.
His Spirit is our Source. Whenever we see in ourselves a lack of humility, curiosity, respect, open-heartedness, or confidence, God beckons us to bring our wrong attitudes into his light. To turn from our lack to his abundance. To allow his Spirit to renew our minds so our attitudes and actions can change as a result. As he does this, we’ll become more and more like him.
The God who calls us to “Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace” (Ephesians 4:3) will teach us how to “be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude” (1 Peter 3:8).
The following quote has been variously attributed to St. Augustine, John Wesley, and others. But regardless of who said it, it sums up our Christian calling well:
“In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.”
As we walk with God and allow him to form his character in our lives, may he use us to promote harmony among the people he loves.
This article originally appeared at Bible Study Tools on 12/16/2024.
“God has a plan so everything’s going to work out.”
“Just give it to Jesus and count your blessings.”
“Keep praying and reading your Bible.”
If you’ve spent much time in Christian circles, you’ve likely heard phrases like these. Maybe, like me, you’ve even spoken them. They’re often well intentioned — our best attempts to help a struggling friend (or ourselves) cope with pain and hold onto faith. But while they may contain an element of truth, these types of comments have potential to cause great harm.
Psychologists call them spiritual bypassing.
What Is Spiritual Bypassing?
As Christians, we know God calls us to “Consider it all joy … when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces perseverance” (James 1:2-3). Jesus predicted that “In this world you will have trouble,” adding the encouragement to “Take heart! [He has] overcome the world” (John 16:33). The apostle Paul instructed us, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done” (Philippians 4:6).
God intends for these Scriptures to be lifegiving. Through them, he reminds us of the bigger picture — that this world is not our home, that justice and truth will triumph in the end, that our loving Father is personally involved in each situation we face. He’s actively working for our good, redeeming our suffering and making all things new (Revelation 21:5).
Too often, however, we use these verses and others in damaging ways, instead of receiving the healing they offer. We forget about the process. We believe God wants white-knuckled obedience more than anything else. We take what he meant for good and use it to spiritually bypass the deep work he wants to do in our hearts.
“Spiritual bypassing is when a person uses Scripture, religious concepts or ideals, and spiritual mantras to ‘bypass’ the effects of a negative experience out of a desire to ease their pain…,” explains Peridot Gilbert-Reed in a Christianity Todayarticle.
This practice isn’t new, nor is it unique to Christianity. The term was coined by a Buddhist psychotherapist in the 1980’s. He defined it as a “tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.”
While people of any faith can fall into spiritual bypassing, Christians are especially prone to this escape mechanism.
It shows up in our conversations when we admit we’re struggling, but end on a positive note about how God’s still good all the time, though secretly we’re doubting it’s true. It’s in our worship songs when we only focus on the positive, as if every situation has a happily-ever-after ending. It sneaks into our living rooms when we listen to a family member’s pain and respond with a pat warning not to get angry at God.
We mean well. Maybe we even think the Lord requires this of us — to will ourselves to trust, to combat doubt by quoting Scripture verses, to overcome worry by the sheer force of our will.
Yet God calls us to something far more transformative.
In Psalm 51:6, we discover his desire for each of his beloved children. “Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.” In the deepest part of our souls, that place where our subconscious, emotional beliefs reside – this is where our Father wants to teach us his ways.
When we embrace spiritual bypassing, we short-circuit the redemptive work God invites us to lean into, hurting ourselves and others in the process.
4 Ways Spiritual Bypassing Harms Us
Spiritual bypassing may sound pious on the surface, but it often undermines the faith it claims to champion. It offers a “quick fix,” yet it comes with a high price tag.
1. Spiritual Bypassing Misrepresents God’s Heart
Throughout Scripture, we discover a multifaceted God. He describes himself as “the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished…” (Exodus 34:6-7). He invites his children to come to his “throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:16). He promises “whoever comes to me I will never drive away” (John 6:37).
Spiritual bypassing paints a drastically different picture. It presents God as unrelatable when it calls us to simply try harder. It suggests his heart is callous when it demands we bury our pain. It implies he’s impersonal when it urges performance over relationship. It portrays him as easily angered when it condemns our doubts and silences our questions.
Spiritual bypassing prevents us from truly experiencing our Father’s heart.
2. Spiritual Bypassing Hinders Authentic Connection with God
Jesus taught his disciples that life is found in knowing God (John 17:3). His Spirit is our source of vitality, refreshment, healing, fruitfulness, and everything else that is good. We receive these blessings through our relationship with him.
Yet spiritual bypassing hinders us from connecting authentically with him. When we suppress our emotions, we avoid the healing and fresh perspective that comes from processing our interior life with God. When we try to reason away our doubts, we settle for human logic instead of listening for his Spirit’s still, small voice. When we minimize our pain, we forfeit the opportunity to experience the tenderness and compassion of Christ.
Spiritual bypassing leads us to settle for shallow faith.
3. Spiritual Bypassing Causes Us to Feel Unknown
Ours is a relational God. From eternity, each member of the Trinity has existed in perfect harmony with the Others. He made us for relationship, too — with him and with each other.
Spiritual bypassing undermines our need to know and be known — by God, by others, even by ourselves. When we bypass how we’re really feeling, we’re left to struggle alone. When we present only the positive aspects of our lives, we portray a false image that holds others at a distance. When we keep questions and doubts to ourselves, we lose the opportunity to hear how others have experienced the Lord in similar situations.
Spiritual bypassing trades connection for isolation.
4. Spiritual Bypassing Ignores the Whole Person
As humans made in the image of God, we are complex creatures. He wove together our bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits with intricate beauty. Each part of our humanity impacts all the others.
Spiritual bypassing attempts to treat all problems from a solely spiritual perspective:
Has your friend wounded you? Choose to overlook the offence. Just forgive and forget — seventy times seven.
Does anxiety weigh you down, making it hard to function through the day and impossible to sleep at night? Repent of your worry and memorize Bible verses about trusting God.
Has addiction sabotaged your life? Get more accountability and let shame drive you to change.
While it’s true God calls us to forgive, to cast our cares on him, and to live by his Spirit rather than addiction, holistic wisdom makes room for other solutions as well. God often uses therapists, doctors, medication, and recovery programs — along with spiritual leaders — to grow us in wholeness and maturity.
Spiritual bypassing neglects whole-person care.
A Healthier Alternative
Far better than spiritual bypassing is the practice of embodied faith. Embodied faith, explains Dr. Alison Cook, is “a faith that includes our hands, our feet, our nervous systems, our mind, our emotions. It’s holistic.” Personal embodied faith pays attention to what’s going on within us and uses our observations as a starting point for conversations with God’s Spirit.
King David modeled this throughout the Psalms. (See Psalm 6, 31, 38, 39, 88.) The book of Job vividly describes the pain that ravaged Job, body and soul, and it records his honest conversations with God about his suffering.
For believers living on this side of the cross, embodied faith acknowledges that our bodies are God’s temples. It welcomes his presence in our whole person, inviting him into every closet and corner of our souls. It recognizes that here, in the deepest part of our being, the Holy Spirit does his most profound work.
I’m learning that faith this real, this raw, takes practice. It requires us to make space for silence, time for process, and room for mystery. It calls us to live with curiosity, gentleness, humility, patience, and authenticity.
For me, cultivating embodied faith often begins in quiet moments alone with the Lord, using something my counselor friends call a “body scan.” From head to toe, I notice symptoms I feel on a physical level. With pen and journal in hand, I ask God, “Where do you find me today?” and I take note of what I observe. I talk with him about why I’m feeling the tension, the pain, the restlessness, etc. In prayer, I process the emotions underlying those bodily symptoms. Then I listen for anything his silent voice may want to reveal to my heart. He often points out deeper issues of the soul — unmet needs, unhealed wounds, burning questions, beliefs in crisis, misunderstandings about his character…
Sometimes in this process, the Holy Spirit leads me to parts of Scripture that relate to what I’m experiencing. Other times, he reminds me of an article I saved to read later, or he prompts me to reach out for a friend’s perspective or a professional’s expertise. Sometimes he’s simply present with me as I pour out my heart, allowing me to experience the comfort of his closeness and the healing power of his love.
Embodied Faith in Community
Embodied faith helps us live out James 1:19: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
As we practice personal embodied faith, we grow in our capacity to help others do the same. We learn to recognize spiritual bypassing and avoid using it in conversations with our friends and loved ones. We become better active listeners. We relate with compassion, humility, and wisdom gleaned from our own experience with Christ. Through embodied faith, we more accurately represent the God who welcomes each of us into a deep, authentic relationship with himself.
The Christian life isn’t about bypassing our struggles, ignoring our pain, or fixing ourselves for God. On the contrary, it’s about bringing ourselves, our whole selves, to the One who loves us dearly. It’s about receiving from, resting in, and responding to His Spirit. As we do this, we’ll find that God meets us at the intersection between real life and real faith.
This post was originally published on 4/24/2025 at Bible Study Tools.
How can you help someone whose faith is in pieces? When a Christian you love questions beliefs you hold dear, is it possible to walk with them through faith deconstruction?
As someone who experienced the collapse of my faith (and its eventual renewal), I’m deeply grateful for believers who want to come alongside and help. The gift of your presence can make Christ’s love tangible.
If you’ve never walked through deconstruction yourself, however, you may struggle to know just how to help. Understanding the terminology is a good place to begin.
Understanding Faith Deconstruction
No two deconstruction stories are the same. From the initial crisis to an eventual landing place and every detail in between, each story is as unique as the individual living it. Adding to the issue’s complexity, there’s no single, agreed-upon definition.
In general, faith deconstruction is the rethinking of one’s foundational beliefs. Beyond this, the range of definitions varies widely.
Some Christians compare it to literary and philosophical deconstruction, a practice developed in the 1960’s. In those fields, modern readers reinterpret older works based on the belief that truth is relative. When applied to Christianity, this type of deconstruction often leads to significant theological shifts, sometimes even leading to deconversion. Alisa Childers and Tim Barnett seem to have this perspective in mind when they define faith deconstruction as “a postmodern process of rethinking your faith without regarding Scripture as a standard.”
On the other end of the spectrum, Grace Ruiter compares faith deconstruction to a necessary renovation project. She describes it this way, “If you think of Christian faith as a home, pursuing tough questions about your faith is a bit like tearing away the carpeting and knocking out the drywall to see the bones that lie beneath. It pulls apart your beliefs to reveal what they’re made of and what holds them together.” This definition aligns with my own deconstruction experience.
When discussing deconstruction with your loved one, it’s wise to start by understanding how they’re using the term.
Common Denominators in Deconstruction
While each deconstruction story is different, there are often some commonalities. Based on my own experience and the stories I’ve witnessed, here are some realities you’ll want to keep in mind.
Deconstruction Is Painful
For many of us, deconstruction comes on the heels of a traumatic experience. My faith imploded when I learned of the betrayal of a trusted spiritual leader. Though I hadn’t seen him in years, his teachings had shaped my spiritual formation. His betrayal wounded me, and his double-life caused me to question nearly everything I believed.
In addition to the pain from the actual crisis, the journey through deconstruction felt intensely lonely. I was ashamed of my questions and doubts, of the depression that took up residence in me during that season. I was afraid to let people into my process lest they see the mess I’d become. It was easier just to quietly withdraw.
Your loved one may be carrying a very deep wound. They’re trying to figure out where to go from here and how to make sense of what they’ve experienced. By offering the gift of your presence, you can provide a haven through the lonely process.
Deconstruction May Be Unavoidable
Like many others who deconstruct, I didn’t flippantly decide to dismantle my faith. Besides abandoning Christianity altogether, I truly had no other option. My faith was broken and starting over was my only hope for its survival.
As I evaluated my belief system with fresh eyes, I recognized a tangled mess of truth and lies — transactional Christianity that left me exhausted, opinions held because a teacher told me so, Scripture misinterpreted and taken out of context. Deconstruction offered the overhaul my faith required.
Your loved one is likely deconstructing because they must. By supporting them through the process, you can extend a lifeline that gives the option of holding onto faith.
Deconstruction Impacts People Differently
When God’s good gifts are instead used to harm, surprising triggers can result.
Because my faith crisis came after a leader’s betrayal of trust, to this day I struggle with trusting those in positions of spiritual authority. In other situations, when God’s Word was used to shame, manipulate, or control, those affected may have great difficulty reading the Bible or hearing it taught. In situations where harm occurred in a church setting, those wounded in this way may find it impossible to go to church right now — even a different church altogether.
Your loved one may experience triggers that surprise you. When you extend love and compassion, you create space for them to heal at their own pace.
Deconstruction Is a Process
Where your loved one is today is not necessarily their final destination. They’re asking questions and seeking answers, but don’t assume where they’ve landed is where they’ll stay.
My faith deconstruction started over a decade ago. Along the way I discovered it’s more of a journey than an arrival point. As Paul David Tripp put it, “We should all be deconstructing our faith. We better do it. Because our faith becomes a culture, a culture so webbed into the purity of truth, it’s hard to separate the two.”
Healthy faith is curious — always growing, always aware of how much we don’t yet know, always on guard against lies masquerading as the truth.
Your loved one is in process (as we all are). When you love them where they’re at, you keep the door open for an ongoing relationship.
4 Ways to Support Your Loved One through Deconstruction
Micah 6:8 describes qualities that are dear to God’s heart. They can also provide reference points for relating to your loved one.
“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”
1. Do Justly
Many a deconstruction story begins with some sort of injustice. Maybe your loved one or someone they care about was harmed. Perhaps they’ve heard one too many stories about yet another church scandal. Whatever the situation, your loved one is likely trying to make sense of it within their worldview.
Affirm their desire for truth and justice. Their heart cry echoes the heart of God. Resist the temptation to rationalize their concerns. Don’t express doubt or downplay their story. This will only add to their pain. Instead, hold gently the concerns they’ve shared with you.
2. Love Kindness
In the Bible’s original Hebrew, the word used in Micah 6:8 for kindnessmeans loyal love. The same word shows up in Proverbs 19:22a, “What a person desires is unfailing love.” This need for consistent, merciful love is especially strong during deconstruction.
Consider how Jesus received the hurting people who came to him. He looked them in the eyes, noticed their struggle, and welcomed them to spend time with him. He didn’t hold them at arm’s length until they figured out the right theology or cleaned up their messes. No, he wept with them and listened to their stories. He loved them right where they were.
This is still God’s heart for people today. Ask him to fill you with his loyal love and to help you see your loved one through his eyes. Allow kindness to characterize your conversations so they feel valued, honored, and loved.
3. Walk Humbly
Part of deconstruction involves asking messy questions, questions rarely voiced within the walls of a church building. While this may make you uncomfortable, verbalize your willingness to listen and your desire to understand your loved one’s perspective. Make room for curiosity and affirm the concerns behind their questions.
While we recognize truth is not relative and historical Christianity rests on some essential basic tenants, we must also acknowledge that gray areas exist. Christians come to different conclusions on secondary and tertiary topics. It’s important to hold your convictions with confidence and humility, acknowledging that believers with different perspectives may have valid Biblical basis for their beliefs. This allows room for differences within the faith community. It validates other Christian voices and shows that genuine faith can exist outside the structure of one specific denomination. Ultimately, it allows your loved one to take a different position on non-essential issues and still hold on to Christ.
4. Trust the Holy Spirit
While faith deconstruction can be alarming, you can rest in the awareness that God is at work behind the scenes. He loves your friend or family member more than any human ever could. He wants a relationship with them and is drawing them in with his kindness (Romans 2:4). No, you can’t guarantee the outcome, but you can trust that his heart is for them.
So, when you’re tempted to correct uncomfortable questions or take control of their process, choose instead to “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). If God leads you to speak truth or share your perspective, do so with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15). Allow God’s perfect love to displace any fear within your heart so you can speak and act with love.
How to Pray for Your Loved One
More than anything, your loved one needs your prayers, especially in these two areas:
1. Pray They Will Experience Christ
Deconstruction is extremely personal. Your loved one is reevaluating beliefs they’ve held at their core. God alone knows the depth of transformation taking place. He sees every hidden wound and hears each unspoken question. He longs to meet them with compassion.
The Living Bible paraphrases Matthew 12:20-21 beautifully as it depicts Jesus’ heart for the hurting. “He does not crush the weak or quench the smallest hope; he will end all conflict with his final victory, and his name shall be the hope of all the world.”
This describes how I experienced Christ when my faith fell apart. Where I expected him to be disappointed in me (as I was in myself), I sensed mercy and open-hearted welcome instead. He dazzled my weary, wounded soul with his grace. Grace I’d sung about and talked about since I was a church kid. Grace far greater than I’d dreamed possible.
The person of Christ held me in the faith. Not well-defined doctrines or convincing arguments. Not creeds or checklists or even the fear of judgment.
Jesus himself is present in deconstruction, inviting people to bring their wounds and their questions and find healing and hope in him.
Your loved one needs to experience Christ. Whether they recognize this need or not, you can pray they will encounter him in soul-mending, faith-building ways.
2. Pray That Deconstruction Leads to Reconstruction
Deconstruction can be beautiful if it leads to restored faith. Just as renovating a historical building is a valuable endeavor, the Christian faith is worth rebuilding when it’s fallen into disrepair. But tearing out what’s rotten and throwing away what’s broken is only part of the process.
God desires to rebuild your loved one’s faith — not just as it was, but as he designed it be so they can flourish.
Before deconstruction, my faith was driven by duty. “Try harder” was my subconscious mantra. I wondered at Jesus’ promise of soul rest, and I secretly doubted he really had abundant life to offer. During deconstruction, he replaced the lies that led me to burnout and taught my soul to rest. He set me on a life-long quest to know his heart and deepened my relationship with him along the way.
Your loved one’s faith needs renewal, too. Pray that as they deconstruct, God himself will rebuild a flourishing faith.
May God’s Spirit guide you as you walk with your loved one through deconstruction, giving you understanding, helping you offer support, and teaching you how to pray for them.
This article originally appeared on Bible Study Tools, 5/30/2024:
How can Christians promote peace in a world filled with conflict? What qualities characterize those who work for harmony and reconciliation?
The theme of peace weaves through Scripture like a golden thread. Jesus left his disciples with the promise of peace (John 14:27). Ephesians describes the good news of our faith as “the gospel of peace” (6:15) and God calls Christians to “live in peace” (2 Corinthians 13:11).
But what is this peace the Bible describes? Is it the absence of hardship or avoidance of conflict? Can everyday Christians experience it, or is it reserved for a few “super saints?”
What Is Biblical Peace?
God’s concept of peace far exceeds pleasant life circumstances. The Engedi Resource Center explains, “We tend to understand it as the absence of war or as calmness of spirit. But along with these ideas, the Hebrew word shalom also carries a greater connotation of well-being, health, safety, prosperity, wholeness, and completeness.”
Like a puzzle with all its pieces in place, shalom means things line up with their intended design. A peacemaker, then, is someone who works to restore what is broken or incomplete — especially in the context of relationships.
Jesus is the ultimate peacemaker. Isaiah prophesied of the coming Messiah as the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6) and Ephesians 2:14 tells us Jesus is our peace. His life, death, and resurrection made reconciliation with the Father possible for all who come to him in faith (Romans 5:10). Engedi clarifies, “This is the Hebraic understanding of salvation, not just that we will go to heaven when we die, but that we have an unbroken, loving relationship with God here on earth.”
Biblical peace, then, is rooted in our peace with God — beginning at salvation and growing through our ongoing connection with him. According to Jesus, we can experience this inner rest even in times of trouble and pain. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).
7 Qualities of a Peacemaker
1. Secure Identity
Since we have peace with God through Jesus, we can experience a growing peace with ourselves — regardless of our past mistakes, our current struggles, or the opinions of others.
This describes our identity as God’s children — regardless of what our emotions or other people tell us. As his acceptance takes root and we learn to own our God-given identity, we can extend his peace to others. We can live loved instead of needy, at rest instead of striving, secure instead of desperate for others’ approval.
When our hearts are at peace, we’re free to live as peacemakers.
2. Welcoming Attitude
A welcoming heart forms the core of peacemaking. In Romans 14, God tells us how to relate with Christians who practice their faith differently from us — with acceptance. Blue Letter Bible explains that acceptance involves extending friendship and granting access to one’s heart. It’s like leaving the door unlocked so our friends can walk on in. It’s the kind of welcome that’s easy to offer those who are like us, but hard to extend to those who are different.
And yet, because God has accepted us, we’re called to welcome others in the same way (Romans 14:3).
To live as peacemakers, we must understand how God welcomes us, because when we live accepted, we have acceptance to give others. This welcoming heart equips us to promote peace in our relationships. It helps us communicate with curiosity and a desire to understand. It teaches us to cultivate healthy conversations where people feel heard and not shut down — even around subjects where we disagree.
3. Intentional Purpose
In Luke 1:78-79, we read that Jesus guides our feet into the path of peace. To guide, as Blue Letter Bible says, involves removing any hindrances which block the path toward someone. Jesus took away the obstacles which stood between us and God. He paid for our sin and purchased our freedom so we could draw near to the God of peace (Ephesians 3:12).
As his followers, we have the privilege of guiding people to God, too. “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5:18). When we help people overcome the obstacles blocking their path toward God (both non-Christians and believers), we are living as peacemakers.
4. Humble Heart
Humility shows up repeatedly in Bible passages talking about Christian unity. (See Romans 12:3-18, Ephesians 4:1-3, Philippians 2:1-11 for starters.) Often misunderstood, humility isn’t self-deprecation or self-hatred. On the contrary, humility holds an accurate opinion of oneself. Romans 12:3 instructs, “Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.”
Jesus used humility to describe himself (Matthew 11:28-30). Philippians 2:6-8 shows what this looked like in his life. He knew his divinity but chose not to “use it to his advantage” (Philippians 2:6-11). Instead of holding himself aloof, he became one of us. He served in both menial and miraculous ways as he brought his peace to earth.
When we, like Jesus, are secure in our God-given identity, we can love, honor, and serve others from a heart of humility. We’re free to work for peace, regardless of the response we may receive.
5. Healthy Boundaries
We can only love well, however, when we maintain healthy personal boundaries. Jesus modeled boundary setting as he lived for his Father’s pleasure alone. He prioritized secluded time in prayer. He didn’t heal every sick person in Israel, and he didn’t allow the crowds to dictate how he conducted his ministry. Through his example, we see that healthy boundary setting is rooted in obedience to God (John 5:19,30; 8:28).
Knowing our limitations, being committed to God’s call on our lives, respecting ourselves as images bearers of God – these essential choices help preserve the peace of our own souls. Only when our hearts are at rest can we live as effective peacemakers.
This takes deep reliance on God’s Spirit to help us discern when to sacrifice and when to say no. As we learn to live for his pleasure, graciously refusing to be controlled by others’ expectations, we’ll have his peace to extend to others.
6. Life-Giving Speech
“The tongue has the power of life and death,” Proverbs 18:21 reminds us. As peacemakers, life-giving speech forms a crucial aspect of our calling. Through our words, we can help others find peace with God and live in harmony with each other.
What does this look like? It’s seen when we’re slow to argue (2 Timothy 2:23-24). It shows up as we prioritize listening and understanding, with an aim toward harmony (Romans 14:19, James 1:19). It leads us to respect and honor one another (Romans 12:10, 1 Peter 3:15). It helps us to pursue justice, to love mercy, and to walk in humility (Micah 6:8). It marks our speech with kindness and truth (Proverbs 3:3, NASB).
All these actions come from the empowering, transforming presence of God’s Spirit within us. As we live connected to the Prince of Peace, he forms his character in our hearts, giving us peacemaking words to share with others.
7. Doing What We Can
Romans 12:18 reminds us that ultimately, making peace is bigger than our personal choices: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Peacemaking always involves more than one party. Just as it takes two or more to disagree, it takes two or more to create harmony. God calls us to do our part — to extend welcome and work for peace, to walk in humility, set healthy boundaries, and speak in life-giving ways.
Sometimes, though, others are unwilling or unable to meet us in a place of peace. In these situations, we can rest, knowing we’ve done what we can. We can pray for harmony, wholeness, and restored relationships, and then entrust our circumstances to the God of peace.
Peacekeeping or Peacemaking?
Keeping the peace and living as peacemakers are two very different lifestyles.
Keeping the peace looks like avoiding conflict, dodging hard conversations, or ignoring broken situations. It sacrifices healing for surface happiness and often leads to shallow friendships and the absence of real connection.
True peacemaking, however, prioritizes God’s kind of peace (Romans 14:17-19). Peace rooted in restoration with God. Peace that promotes wholeness. Peace that mends and leads to flourishing.
As we walk with God, he’ll teach us to discern the difference and show us how to work for his kind of peace.
When Life Isn’t Peaceful
Even though we’ve been reconciled to God, enjoy a new identity, and are equipped to spread his peace, sometimes our own hearts are in turmoil. How do we live as peacemakers when difficult seasons overwhelm us? When circumstances break our hearts? When we or others set in motion events that cause deep brokenness?
The Psalms are full of raw prayers from people wrestling with similar questions. David cried out, “My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long?” (Psalm 6:3). The sons of Korah wrote, “My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, ‘Where is your God?’” (Psalm 42:3).
Right now, we live in the space between the cross and Jesus’ return. He’s building his kingdom in hearts around the globe. He’s restoring and mending and making things new. But life here is still broken. Creation still groans. Humans still wound one another. Sickness and death still invade without warning.
Jesus’ promise of peace beckons us back to the Prince of Peace. He calls us to bring our authentic selves — pouring out the thoughts and emotions, the questions and doubts, the anxiety and agony raging in our souls. This honest place can be holy ground as we can experience Immanuel — God with us — in the middle of our pain (Psalm 116:7, Hebrews 4:16).
Psalm 42 gives a beautiful example of the psalmist processing his inner turmoil in God’s presence. He acknowledges his pain to the Lord (verses 3, 9-10). He asks himself probing questions (verse 5a, 11a). He remembers God — who God has been for him, and the love God has lavished on him (verse 6-8). And as the psalmist pours out his heart, hope once again takes root in his soul (verse 5b, 11b).
As we allow God to care for us in the deepest part of our being, mending our brokenness and forming his character in our lives, we’ll experience growing peace in our souls. This peace in us will overflow through us, equipping us to bring his peace to our everyday spaces.
This article originally appeared on Bible Study Tools, 02/19/2024:
That’s how I’ve felt this year more times than I can count. Other than journaling, I’ve written very little.
I’ve experienced all the feelings – fear, contentment, anxiety, peace, sorrow, happiness, disappointment, hope. Processing rogue emotions with Jesus and landing back on solid ground has felt like a full-time job.
But hindsight is 20/20, they say (whoever they are.) As I look back on the past 364 days, three things have become unmistakably clear to me.
2020 has been hard.
Sometimes we Christians avoid speaking candidly about negative things. We fear being coined a complainer or labeled as someone who’s selfish or has weak faith. We even shy away from bringing raw emotions to God because we know He wants us to be grateful and to trust Him in both good times and bad.
But an honest acknowledgement is often the first step in processing our emotions, confronting our doubts, and moving deeper in our faith – a depth we’ll never experience if we simply gloss over our struggles.
2020 has been hard. We’ve all felt the sting of cancelling long-anticipated plans. We’ve been lonely, stir crazy as the hours tick by in the walls we’re mandated to stay within.
Our family lost a friend we loved as our own and the tears just come up without warning. We’ve self-quarantined three times, on top of the state-wide shut-down which grounded us all this spring. We’ve endured the discomfort of the covid19 test four times more than we’d like. We’ve worried about paying the bills during weeks when my husband has had to stay home.
This year has had more than its share of anxiety, disappointment, and pain.
But ours is a gracious God, slow to anger and abounding in loyal love and faithfulness (Exodus 34:6). He understands our feelings because He’s felt them, too – both as an emotive God and more specifically, as the God-man who walked among us for thirty-three years. He can sympathize with our weakness, our heartache, and our discouragement.
He invites His own to come to Him boldly and pour out everything stirring in our souls.
Will you take Him up on His invitation?
2. 2020 has seen God “up to great good.”
Midway through the pandemic, I enjoyed a phone meeting with my dear mentor. We talked about the hardships and frustrations we’d faced that spring and then she said, “But God is up to great good here.”
Our conversation screeched to a halt as I paused to consider her words. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard her say that. It’s kind of like her mantra. But I’d lost sight of it in the mess of 2020. I asked her to help me see some good, because my faith was anything but strong at that moment.
She told me a story or two of lives she’d seen touched by the redemptive power of God’s presence. Her faith bolstered mine and my vision improved.
It wasn’t long before I, too, could see God’s goodness weaving through our year – His work in drawing our family closer, His nudge toward slowing down, His miracles in meeting our physical needs and watering the seeds of my kids’ faith.
Sometimes we need a good friend to help us refocus when our own lens of faith goes fuzzy.
Who is that friend in your life?
If you don’t have such a friend right now, it’s okay – God is the Friend who sticks even closer than family. He’ll gladly point out His goodness if we ask Him.
3. 2021 has a clear forecast.
Even as I type those words, I struggle to believe they’re true. Humanly speaking, the year ahead looks like storm clouds and more rain. Our troubles aren’t going to vanish when the clock strikes midnight.
But as Jesus-followers, we’re not limited to our human perspective. Thank goodness, because fear tends to suffocate my soul if I look too long through my own lenses.
As we turn our hearts toward Jesus and seek shelter near His heart, He readjusts our focus to see more of what He sees.
Here’s the clear forecast for 2021:
God won’t change. We can anchor our souls to the reliability of His character and His Word.
God will always be up to great good. Whatever troubles come, Jesus is greater and in Him, we overwhelmingly conquer.
God won’t forget us or leave us on our own. His wisdom, His power, His very presence are available to us every moment of every day.
As we step into this near year, let’s set our hearts anew to seek this God whose nearness is our good (Psalm 73:28). More than anything, we need Him.
I’m planning to set aside a day (or portion of a day) in January to get alone with God. In case you’d like to do this, too, check out “Planning a Retreat with God” in my Freebie Library to help you make the most of that time.
